


Like Changing the Channel

by sunshinejade



Category: SEVENTEEN (Band)
Genre: Choreographer Kwon Soonyoung | Hoshi, Kwon Soonyoung | Hoshi-centric, M/M, NOT soonhoon endgame, Producer Lee Jihoon | Woozi, Tags May Change, im sorry im hurting them tho, please just enjoy the angst for now?
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-10-12
Updated: 2021-02-10
Packaged: 2021-03-07 17:47:25
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 5
Words: 21,470
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26971630
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/sunshinejade/pseuds/sunshinejade
Summary: Soonyoung and Jihoon are friends, best friends. That's all they can be because the entertainment is scary and Jihoon isn't ready and Soonyoung whishes he could make him less scared but also doesn't really wanna push it.But changes are coming and Jeonghan keeps telling him that it's not like him to be tied up. Not when being tied up is not what he wants. So maybe he should just look around again.akaSoonyoung wants love and affection and skin and touching and not having second thoughts and no regrets.But Soonyoung also wants Jihoon.And Jihoon says he wants them to focus on their careers, but really he's just so fucking scared.That's where a lot of other people come to play.
Relationships: Hong Jisoo | Joshua/Yoon Jeonghan (implied), Jeon Wonwoo/Kim Mingyu (implied), Kwon Soonyoung | Hoshi/ ???, Kwon Soonyoung | Hoshi/Lee Jihoon | Woozi, Lee Jihoon | Woozi/ ???
Comments: 13
Kudos: 36





	1. The Prologue

**Author's Note:**

> Inspired by a dream i had in which I was in Soonyoung place and Chan was in Jihoon's.  
> But yeah... I'll change the tags and descriptions as I write/post since i still haven't chosen how this one develops so Bear with me, it might not be what you want. I do hope it is something you can like tho.
> 
> Also Title of the fic comes from "A Piece of You" by Yang Da Il ft. our one and only DK <3

Soonyoung wakes up around 9 am just like he does every morning, one of his many alarms ringing by his bedside table. 

It’s later than most Korean office workers and _aeons_ later than anyone in the entertainment industry on a working day. Although management told him there really is no reason for him to work so much, Soonyoung still feels his blood overflowing with excitement, making it impossible for him (and for his biological clock) to get any more sleep.

No matter how much Jihoon tells him to sleep more, Soonyoung simply deems 6 hours more than enough. Too many even, especially on a Monday morning.

The sun is seeping kindly, almost shily, through his bedroom windows and blinking lightly Soonyoung can feel his lips morph into a happy grin, his sharp slanted eyes curving into a sleepy and puffy eye-smile.

He gets up, goes to the bathroom (heavens forbid a famous choreographer like him got caught having bad skin condition) and gets dressed in a hurry already looking forward to the day. Not even the piercing winter cold (somehow managing to enter his apartment despite the heavy heating) can somehow nick at his good mood.

Soonyoung rips the phone from the charger without bothering to check if the battery’s full; it’s not as if there are no chargers at the agency anyways. He’s received a few texts overnight. From Wonwoo asking him when he and Jihoon we’re planning to drop by his studio. From his mother, just asking if he needed any homemade food if he was ever gonna find himself a special someone - if not if he could just give her the go and let her set him up with her friend’s daughter - and to make sure to say hi to Jihoon for her.

Last but not least he got a bunch of texts from Jihoon himself.

His _best friend_ had wished him a good night a few hours earlier, a few minutes after Soonyoung had already fallen asleep and then again a good morning only to proceed into threatening him to lock him out of the building if Soonyoung had just dared to show up to work anytime before 10 am.

 _Hypocrite -_ thinks Soonyoung reading the usual rant about how much of a workaholic he is and how he ought to rest more - _you slept after and woke up before me, Hoons. You’re the one who needs rest -_ he says to himself as he runs down the stairs of his loft.

But as always Jihoon can read Soonyoung’s mind and the latter huffs, rolling his eyes and grabbing his keys before hastily wearing his jacket.

**From: my hoons (^ 3 ^)**

_before you text in all caps about how I sleep less,_ _  
_ _remember that unlike you I take breaks_ _  
_ _during the day and I have like,,,_ _  
_ _three different couches in my studio._

**To: my hoons (^ 3 ^)**

_Pfft. No can do Hoons._

I mean, it’s monday after all ;)

we can just nap together later <3

  
  


The cold February wind reinvigorates him, chilling him to the bone and there’s a small grin on his face as he replies.

Soonyoung pushes the door of the cafè across from his apartment building with force, still wondering why they make doors so heavy in the first place and the warmth that invades his skin is the only thing that makes him realise that _yeah_ , it _is_ awfully cold outside.

He waits in line, double-checking whether or not Jihoon has read his messages.

The little numbers in yellow boxes next to his texts never leave and for a moment Soonyoung actually wonders if his best friend might have forgotten.

It’s Monday though and after years of friendship, Jihoon simply can’t forget about Mondays.  
 _He’s not allowed to_ \- he thinks with a frown. Soonyoung could actually slap him if he forgets.   
Either that or cry, or maybe both and then proceed with slapping him with his butt like they used to do with Seungkwan and Jeonghan back when they were trainees.

It’s a funny thought, but at the same time extremely serious and he tells Jihoon so over text.

Chuckling at his own words he ends up in front of the cashier just in time for his stomach to grumble loudly, there’s snickering behind him and he turns to give some kids - who were obviously skipping class - an embarrassed bow matched with a small glare. Jihoon always told him he had split personalities and to get himself checked.

“Let me guess. The usual?” 

His neighbour Jisoo greets him with a teasing smile, probably giggling to himself over the symphony coming out of Soonyoung’s stomach. The younger nods and moves to the side - a move he had rehearsed over the years - watching as Jisoo raises his finger to call one of the employees - a new one it seemed - to take care of the rest of the orders.

 _Ah,_ _the perks of owning the place you work in_ \- he thinks as the man in front of him dusts his hands over his apron and leans over the counter in a gossipy manner _._

“So…” Jisoo says with a dangerous smirk. “Jeonghan heard you coming in late last night.” 

“I didn’t know Jeonghan had moved back in. Wasn’t he living with his _mystery boyfriend_?” He replies, stressing mockingly the last two words. 

The older turns his back on Soonyoung to take care of his order, but for a second the younger could swear he saw him tense up.

“Not anymore,” Jisoo answers curtly.

_“Good for you hyung.”_ The sentence was only meant to be thought, but it comes out loud for some reason, muttered and quiet, but the small blush on the other man’s face shows clearly that he heard.

“Anyways,” Soonyoung says with a fake casual cough “you evil twins really need to stop speculating. I was out late for work purposes.”

“Ahhh, let me guess. You and Woozi working in the studio all night again?” 

There’s a knowing tone, that tone that he swears Jisoo picked up from his flatmate and Soonyoung doesn’t feel bad for implying things about the older’s feelings anymore. He’d gladly imply more if it helped to swipe the knowing grin on his friend’s face.

He settles for nodding with a smile, purposely ignoring the teasing tone.

“No fling whatsoever? Some hot dancer guy you just accepted in your crew because he was hot? Or one of those starry eyed rookie idols you work with?”

Soonyoung rolls his eyes wondering if Jisoo is ever gonna start worrying over _his_ love life instead of other people’s.

“Yeah, you’re right. Who am I kidding? You wouldn’t be here ordering your _beloved_ Monday couple breakfast if you had a fling last night.” The older continues with a dramatic sigh. His face is painted with fake compassion, but his eyes are sparkling with mischief. 

“Hotcakes and a double ham and cheese french toast, with double cheese. Just as Jihoon likes it.”

Soonyoung snatches the paper bag almost violently, feeling the heat in his cheeks grow more intense. Jisoo cackles loudly behind him demanding for the younger to at least say goodbye properly.

“Bye Hoshi!” 

“Bye Joshie!” he screams, a smile easily back on his face. 

(Because he’s a simple man and if his LA hyung calls him ‘Hoshi’, how can he not smile and rhyme it with Joshie?)

***

He gets to the agency while on the phone with Wonwoo - who’s landed in the first hours of the morning and declares to have planned to spend the whole day recharging in the form of cuddling cats in Jun’s cafè - as they try to find an empty slot in both their schedules.

“ _Look, I just came back from Japan, Soons. I can’t slouch. I literally have one day and then I’m expected to work my ass off again, cuz apparently having a Japanese Tour is synonymous to “vacations” according to my CEO. He’s already asking me when I plan to release the next mixtape!”_

Wonwoo’s distressed voice is tense and high - as high as a man with Wonwoo’s cave deep tone is able to - and Soonyoung can hear Junhui happily reminding their friend to take a deep breath and to ‘ _look at Lily, she wants you to pet her. Don’t you want to pet her, Wonwoo?’._

His friend exhales slowly and the soft sound of purring brings a smile to Soonyoung’s face as he steps out of the elevator.

“Okay, man. Well then, I’m not sure? I mean we talk almost every day and I’m not gonna hog your free day to talk about business. Hit us up when you feel like it. Jihoon says the collaboration isn’t going anywhere. They really want you for this feature, so I’m sure they won’t mind.”

Soonyoung walks slowly, occasionally stopping to bow at the staff of the floor. He takes his sweet time towards the very last door in the hallway, passing a few rooms filled with voices softly resonating from inside them. Probably idols and trainees having vocal classes.

“ _Oh if it’s only that, organisation issues and whatnot, I’ll try to talk to Wooz over the phone,”_ says Wonwoo - whatever Jun was doing with the cats to calm him down seemed to be working.

_“I thought you guys wanted to work on the song or the actual performance since_ you _wanted to tag along.”_

“Nah, I just want an excuse to roam around.” He answers brightly.

“So what’s your plan for today?” 

By now Soonyoung is stalling. He arrived at the company earlier than expected and Jihoon wasn’t kidding about not wanting to see him at work before 10 am. He still has twelve minutes to go.

“ _Nothing much. Probably hang around the cafè until closing hours and then grab dinner with Seungcheol hyung at the PC rooms.”_

Soonyoung hums in approval, though he doesn’t really approve of either activity, he and Wonwoo always had different ideas of stress-relief so he doesn’t try to persuade him. 

“And Mingyu is cool with you spending all your day at _Jun_ ’s cat cafè and your evening with his cousin?”

_“First thing first. Cheollie-hyung was my friend even before I knew he and Mingyu were cousins. Second. To hell with Kim Mingyu. Idiotic prick.”_

He hears a cat hissing - Wonwoo himself he thinks with a grin - and a strange sound that could easily be Jun half choking and half cracking up, followed by something that sounds a lot like ‘ _You don’t mean that Won, now don’t stop petting Loki.”_

“What now, Wonwoo?” 

Soonyoung’s voice is amused rather than annoyed, and truthfully he finds the ‘mostly love with a sprinkle of hate and a lot of pettiness and stubbornness’ relationship really endearing. Better than no relationship at all, at least.

 _“It’s nothing. I just can’t believe he’s such an idiot, you know? Like… Get in mind when you already_ know _how stupid certain people are? And then you talk to them and you’re actually baffled by how stupid they are?”_

Soonyoung can picture Wonwoo, in a baggy sweater that gives him sweater paws, round specs on his pointy nose and his eyes squinting at nothing.

“I can’t believe you actually use the word _‘baffled’_.” He replies, fully knowing an unprompted explanation is on his way. He likes it and even after years of knowing each other he never takes it for granted. How Wonwoo is really closed off, but not with him or Jun or Jihoon.

“ _Mingyu! The idiot.”_

There’s yet another exhale on the other end of the line. _“We haven’t seen each other in_ two months _with the Japan Tour and all and he asked me my plans for when I came back and I thought it would be funny to mess with him.”_

Soonyoung leans on a wall, a few meters from Jihoon’s studio and smiles when he hears Wonwoo shuffling around, the soft noise followed by a whispered ‘ _no wait, I wanna pet you while I talk’_ \- probably meant for one of the cats and not for Soonyoung.

“ _I told him I was gonna spend the day with Jun, you know how whiny and jealous he gets when it comes to_ Jun _. You know what happened?”_

“He actually got mad and you got madder because you guys get competitive over stupid shit?”

_“No, he didn’t get mad! He wasn’t even slightly upset or disappointed that my first wish back in Seoul was seeing Jun!”_

“Isn’t it nice though? That he’s finally okay with you and Jun hanging out all day with no one else around?”

 _“No! I mean kinda? But not like this!”_ there was hissing and screeching and Jun clearly sighing in the background.

_“Jeon Wonwoo, you’re supposed to pet them softly, not give them one of your awful massages. If they scratch you I’m gonna laugh and hide the med. kit from you.”_

Soonyoung glances at the digital clock of his phone. Only 5 minutes to finish Wonwoo’s story then hang up to go and have breakfast with Jihoon. 

“So what do you mean, Wons?”

 _“The idiot said he was okay because he has plans, all day! The nerve.”_ The huff is full of disdain and frustration and Soonyoung knows what question Wonwoo is aiming for.

“Let me guess. _Eunwoo_?”

There’s groan and with that he’s sure he hit the bullseye.

 _“_ Jungkook _. And they’re going to watch a movie at the mall and Mingyu said it’s important cuz he owes ‘Kookie’ that since the last two times they hung out ‘Kookie’ paid for everything.”_

Maybe there’s something wrong with Soonyoung, but personally he found the way Wonwoo is stressing certain words with utter distaste to be quite cute. Then again he has a soft spot for his friends and everything they do is always cute to him.

“Okay, but I don’t see the problem.”

“ _The problem is that when your almost-boyfriend comes back after months away you don’t tell him you have other plans with your best bud on his single day off.”_

“But you told him _you_ had plans with _your_ best bud on your single day off.”

“ _Yes, but I was joking!”_

“Did you tell him that?”

There’s silence on the other hand and Soonyoung straight out laughs at him, not caring about the probable pout in Wonwoo’s lips.

“Did you even tell him you only have today free of schedules?”

Wonwoo’s voice came grumpy and low and truly adorable sounding.

“Plus I don’t see why you get so jealous over Mingyu’s friends. They’re like… so _straight_ sometimes I forget Mingyu plays for our team.”

_“Look you don’t know how it feels like to see articles about your hot-model-almost-boyfriend going out with idols and knetz saying they look great together, okay?”_

Even though he knows Wonwoo’s worries and doubts are real, Soonyoung chuckles and with one last glance at his digital clock he rushes his goodbyes.

“Listen to me, you overgrown kitten. Mingyu has liked you since before you even met. I can’t even count the times he mentioned you in interviews as a celebrity he looks up to and I know you’re scared cuz even if the industry accepted him, you’re still media-wise closeted.

But still... don’t you think it’s time to cut it with this _‘almost-boyfriend’_ bull?” 

It’s hypocritical at best to be saying this, he knows. Still, he does think that even introverted, shy and antisocial Wonwoo can be braver than him when it comes to romance; he hopes so at least.

“Grow a pair. Ask him to be official. I mean... not tabloid-official, but like... _private-life official_?”

Wonwoo falls silent as the clock struck 10.05 and Soonyoun hangs up the phone with one final _‘Good luck, love you Won’_ as he knocks on Universe Factory’s door.

***

Soonyoung looked around the place three times in the past minute, not because he’s in a hurry. Just because Jihoon's studio ( _Woozi's_ \- would correct him the younger, because in this field it’s always better to separate private life and business) is actually not that big.

There is no trace of his best friend; no warm aroma of coffee and with earl grey - because Soonyoung is trying to cut down on caffeine and Jihoon cares enough to remember.

It makes him feel things. Bad things.

 _Sure_ , he tells himself, sitting down for a moment and hating how used his body is to the soft cushions of the couch, _there had been times before when we had skipped Monday Breakfast but never without a warning and never in the past four months_. 

Even when they were away for Chuseok, they still video-called at 8 am to eat together. It was far too domestic for a pair of friends and maybe Soonyoung isn’t supposed to be so attached to the tradition, but it’s them and he liked _them_.

 _People in the office were starting to call us the New Monday Couple,_ he thinks, sadly glancing at the food gone cold he’s holding in his hands.   
_I should have learned from Song Jihyo sunbae, I bet she felt a bit betrayed too…_

Maybe it’s because the last time, while they were sitting next to each other in front of the mixers and Soonyoung purposely left his fingers lingering over Jihoon's, the latter looked at him with hopeful eyes. So different from the usually apologetic smile that means " _I know, but you know we shouldn't."_

Maybe it’s because he doesn’t have anything else to look forward to for the day and the whole thing about having breakfast together was for them to have something to anticipate even on boring, hellish Mondays. Something that made Mondays more bearable, enjoyable even.

Maybe it’s because breakfast with Jihoon on Monday mornings doesn’t just make the day bearable, it makes his whole week.

Maybe it’s because it’s Jihoon and Jihoon would always make things better.

But Jihoon on this cold Monday isn’t in his studio with drinks, waiting for Soonyoung to arrive with food as per usual.

***

The way to his practice room - not technically _his_ but he was the one to use it most and now everyone else asked for his permission to use it if needed - was short. Too short for the dramatic walk Soonyoung is set on doing, so once inside, he lets his backpack fall with a loud thud and keeps going in circles with a frown on his face, the paper bag from the cafè still in his hands.

He takes one last breath and looks at himself in the mirror, forcing an energetic smiley expression on his face. He still had so much to do if he wants to finish his new personal piece before his 3 pm class with the Source Music girl group and he was going to make it with or without Jihoon’s emotional support. 

His eyes travel over the surface of the mirror trying to recall where he left and then he sprints to the stereo system and almost knocks over a paper bag. Soonyoung tilts his head in confusion because his paper bag is still in the middle of the room and _dear lord,_ he thinks, if he has to scold Chan again for the third time in 5 days to _fucking clean up_ after himself he’s gonna lose it. But as he lifts the paper bag up, he catches sight of a small sticky note. 

_I’m on a video call with some guys in America._ _  
_ _You can start without me if you want, but if you touch my ham and cheese I'm breaking your ankles, Kwon!!_

There is no sign nor name on it, instead, there’s a small scribble that’s probably meant to be a very rushed heart and next to it a little doodle of a face going _“noot noot”_ and Soonyoung only has one person in his life obsessed with that doodle so his face falls. Not in disappointment, but the opposite.

He opens the bag to find two take away cups and even if they aren’t as hot as they must have been half an hour ago, they still fill Soonyoung’s heart with warmth.

He has just enough time to take two steps towards the door before it slung open.

Woozi walks inside the practice room with no rush, apprehensive creases on his forehead and eyes far away, serious and sombre but it only lasts a second before his eyes reach Soonyoung’s and suddenly he lets his professional persona go and he’s back to being Jihoon.

Soonyoung lets his eyes rest over his _friend's_ milky skin. 

The younger is wearing a baseball hat, the one Soonyoung got him in Busan last summer, teaching a dance workshop right across the arena Jihoon used to play in in highschool.

It’s an obnoxious neon orange colour but Jihoon wears it anyway and it always makes Soonyoung feel funny things in his stomach.

There’s a small smile on Jihoon’s face as he tells Soonyoung about his video-call with a Korean-American rapper that wants to work with him on his next album, walking to grab the paper bag in the middle of the practice room. 

Only once they were halfway to the rooftop Soonyoung understands where they’re going. Also some time on their way there Jihoon must have reached for the other bag and now Soonyoung is too busy smiling to himself, maybe even blushing to bother about the air around him getting colder. 

He was wrong and he almost can’t believe he was so quick to lose hope. Jihoon remembered and got him his favourite tea and was taking him to _their_ spot to eat breakfast because Jihoon is Jihoon and Soonyoung is so relieved he kinda tears up.

***

“Are you okay, Hosh?” he asks after they’re both done with their food.

They’re sitting at the very edge of the building, with their legs crossed. Not exactly the safest place to be but it’s their place and even if they fell - as sometimes jokes Soonyoung - they’d fall on the last floor’s terrace. They’d get away with a broken bone but nothing more.

“Yeah, why?” he answers, more as a natural reflex than anything. He turns his head to look at Jihoon, studying how his breath comes out in little fogged up breaths piercing the cold, chilly air. 

“I don’t know. You seemed out of it all morning.” 

There’s a hint of worry in his voice and it makes Soonyoung a tiny bit happy.

“I thought you forgot,” he explains, looking at the view of the city covered in heavy fog and mist. 

Soonyoung leans back on his palms with a content sigh and whether it’s proxemics or Jihoon doing it on purpose, the younger follows his lead and leans back as well. 

Soonyoung almost wonders if Jihoon feels the same spark as their finger touch over the concrete, but he knows there is no use in wondering. He knows the answer already.

“Humf…” Jihoon shakes his head and even without looking at him, the older man knows he has one of his unimpressed smirks on his face. “As if I could ever forget.”

He can’t bring himself to react, but his heart does a wild somersault he can’t stop. It brings a bitter smile to his lips for some reason and his fingers slip a little closer to Jihoon’s, not enough to be seen as an actual, premeditated skinship if anyone came out on the roof. But enough to be meaningful to both of them.

For the nth time in the past year - a year of hidden touches and lingering stares and inside jokes and falling asleep on Woozi’s couch admiring him as he worked - the little, happy smile he always has when his Hoonie is around, falters.

_Is this everything they can have? Everything Soonyoung can aspire for them to be? Wouldn’t it be better for both of them to just go back to being just friends?_

But then Jihoon looks up and his teeth are pearly white, his hair a pale blonde mirroring Soonyoung’s and his dimples are out as he smiles and like that he knows that he’s okay with waiting forever for Jihoon to be ready.

“Monday mornings with you are my favourite time of the week, Soonyoung.”

He simply can’t move on. Not after taking so long to realise that he was falling in love with the one person that has been next to him through it all. He can’t give up now, not with Jihoon looking at him like that, speaking to him like that.

* * *

Hellooooooo thereeeeee ~~~

I hope you enjoyed this very first chapter of a plot i kinda promised myself to write years ago ... Not sure if anyone will ever bother to read this, but if you do I am so happy you've given me some of your time to read this. I truly hope you liked it and it would mean lots to hear your opinions in the comment section! 

if you want, feel free to come and interact over on twitter [@sun_shinejay](https://twitter.com/sun_shinejay) // [@caratwtjey ](https://twitter.com/caratwtjey)


	2. The Life

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It's a normal day in Hoshi's life.  
> Balancing between his choreographer career and Kwon Sooynyoung.  
> Between being ambitious and being in love. Between sadness and giddiness brought by his best friend.  
> Between needing more and knowing better.  
> Between hatred for himself and hatred for Jihoon.  
> Between love... No.  
> There is no balance in his love for Jihoon.  
> From dawn till dawn again. There is just love, lust and everything in between.  
> And one single note of despair every time he falls asleep.

Jihoon is looking at him through the windows with a torn expression and Soonyoung can’t stop frowning, which is unusual considering just how weak he usually is for the younger.

He blames it on the lack of sleep and the fact that it comes from having his apartment invaded by Jeonghan and Jisoo, who spent the night either flirting or throwing food at each other. He still finds it annoyingly devastating how much he can’t handle them when together. Jisoo alone is a blast. Jeonghan alone is the nicest, most supportive friend he has. Together? 

Just the idea sucks all strength from his body.   
Also, they were being awfully cute and it was just a bitter reminder of how Jihoon ditched their movie night to _work_.

Looking at his friend now, it’s obvious how little sleep he’s gotten in the past three weeks and it sincerely worries Soonyoung at times. But Jihoon’s like that and when inspiration strikes him, he just writes and composes and then writes again.   
In the past two weeks, Woozi mostly worked on Wonwoo’s new album.

It had been fun at first. There was nothing Hoshi liked more than working with the people he cared about, but it quickly grew boring when the two of them got so deep into music discussion and analysis and management reprimanded Hoshi for hanging out with them instead of working with the backup dancers.

And just a week ago, when all songs were recorded and all stages learned, Jihoon had promised to make it up to him. He bought Hoshi a tiger shaped macaroon, next to a mouse one for himself, and told him they would spend some quality time. And Soonyoung had so many plans, with Jun, with Jisoo, with Jeonghan, with Chan.   
Everything they could do before Soonyoung would have to follow Wonwoo in his promotions to make sure all performances were done just the way he and Won had crafted them.

But in the end, just after Soonyoung happily fell asleep with his head on Jihoon’s shoulder while watching stupid comedy movies together, Jihoon ended up locking himself up in his studio again.

He apologized, of course. Soonyoung shrugged it off.   
The talent and passion Jihoon had, the spark in his eyes whenever he put on his “ _Woozi_ ” mask, was part of the reason Soonyoung lo- _liked -_ him so much. Still, it did sting a little bit.

One moment he woke up with his body (in pain) tingling with warmth from the way the two of them had fallen asleep on Jihoon’s couch, the moment after Jihoon was nowhere to be seen, yet again working.

Soonyoung has to keep his mind from wondering if it’s more than just a coincidence. The way Jihoon pushes him away just when Soonyoung thinks they are getting somewhere.

But he tells himself it can’t be. Jihoon has been freer in his mannerism lately, more open in showing his affection and he even smiles (sometimes, when he thinks no one’s watching) if people make jokes about their tight bond. 

So Soonyoung tells himself that it’s just a matter of music. And music always comes first to Jihoon. His career and passion are his life.

 _Music was and always has been how I process my thoughts. Just like dancing is yours._ _  
__It’s why I’ve made it my priority. Why I would do anything to protect what I have. What we have. --_

The words Jihoon told him years ago ring in his head for the nth time this month. They sounded so full of affection back then, so genuine, making him feel so special to see Jihoon so raw.

_It’s why we work so well together. You get it, you get me. It’s why our relationship is perfect as it is._

The choreographer didn’t quite understand back then that Jihoon meant to say that he was and still isn’t planning on ever being more than friends. Because he has to protect what they have, their careers and friendship, from everyone else. 

He’s not sure why these thoughts are bugging him again, why they keep knocking on the front wall of his brain every now and then but his eyes start to water.  
It’s even more frustrating than usual. There was once a time when his eyes got wet because he didn’t know whether or not his feelings were reciprocated, but now… 

Now he just knows, he _knows_ Jihoon feels the same way. 

It’s in the way Jihoon wakes him up by brushing his hair back whenever he’s napping. It's in the way he smirks to himself when they wear the same outfit and the way he worries when Hoshi stays to practice till the early morning. The way he always asks him to be his demo voice even when Woozi is a far better singer than Soonyoung, just so they can spend time together.

But as always, whenever things seem to move forward, Jihoon stops to take a few steps back.

There’s the sound of a door closing and Soonyoung feels moist spots on his arms. He’s not sure when he started facing the opposite wall, his arms crossed and head bowed down and apparently fucking crying. But he is and he readily wipes the tears dry and turns with a smile.

Bumzu walks in and sits next to Woozi, who’s still on his phone and still has a dazed look on his face, but at least now he’s not looking at Soonyoung meaning that the latter has a few seconds to clear his voice and put his shit together. 

***

The recording goes well, or at least that's what Woozi tells him even if Soonyoung can see the slight disappointment in his eyes and the way Bumzu looks unsure on whether he should be letting Soonyoung go. 

In the end, he still steps out of the booth, feeling a bit down himself. He doesn’t leave though.

He stays back, watching the pair work and mutter and play tracks he’s heard before in passing. He dozes off sometimes when Bumzu stops the music and starts talking about this American label that’s working with a few rappers that Wonwoo’s friends with.

He misses the way Jihoon sometimes glances at him with a bothered expression and a deep frown. 

There’s a lingering sadness inside Soonyoung, and he’s not too sure whether it comes from the recording session or the discouraging limbo Jihoon keeps him in.

Then, a deep sigh catches his attention, louder than everything else.  
Soonyoung has just enough time to look up and realise that he’s the one that made the sound before his eyes meet Bumzu’s worried look.  
He’s not sure if he’s imagining it, but the older man seems to look at Woozi for a second before smiling sadly at Soonyoung.

Jihoon is still rambling with his hands flying around, his voice still soft though because Woozi is always so composed. 

“Well, an unknown number texted me the other day. A guy named A-Coops, I think. I’ll try and ask Wonwoo if he gave my personal number away or something. I’m gonna fucking ki--”

Bumzu waves his hand for Woozi to stop, and actually cuts him off. “Hey, _Hosh_.”

Soonyoung tries to sit up straighter, but ends up putting too much weight on his numb hand and fumbles forward.  
There’s a silent, burning tug on his heart when he sees Jihoon’s arm twitching slightly in his direction as if for a moment Jihoon actually wanted to move and make sure Soonyoung was okay.

_Is his heart churning because Jihoon cares so much to even move at all or because he wishes that for once Jihoon would stop hesitating?_

“Jihoon said you want to hang around and experiment a bit with singing,” Bumzu says, calling for his attention again. “And we were thinking about which demos we need and stuff like that.”

Jihoon has been talking about him then, thinking about him during work hours. The bitterness from a second before gets replaced by warmth in less then a second and Soonyoung can almost smile at how weak he is for his friend. 

“He says there’s still time to work on this one and already has someone else to work on the recording, but I kinda like it already. The lyrics are still not finalised but I just wanna see how it works for now.”

There’s a _ting_ from his back pocket and Bumzu tells him he just sent him the track while handing him a few papers with scribbles and notes.  
He almost starts reading it through, but his eyes catch sight of Woozi, staring at the pages in Soonyoung’s hands. 

The choreographer knows just how much Jihoon hates letting people read lyrics that aren’t ready yet and unless Hoshi is actively participating in writing he’s not allowed to hear anything beyond in-progress tracks.

He tries to smile, asking with his eyes if it’s okay for him to take the papers handed to him. Jihoon hesitates a little and even after he gives one single, reluctant nod, he keeps staring at the lyrics sheets as if he’s not sure if he should let Soonyoung read them.

“I think you’ll like it,” he says after a while “it’s a bit of a sad song. More on the singing than dancing. More up my alley than yours.”

***

Somehow they end up on their way to Soonyoung’s apartment, breath hot against the cold mid-February air and they talk about the weather the way only two friends who talked about literally anything else can do. Soonyoung complains about missing spring even if it’s just around the corner while Jihoon dreads the arrival of the allergy season.

Moments like these, Soonyoung likes to focus on the distressed frowns and the way the night lights make him even paler than Jihoon already is. 

“If it was for me we could have a short summer, a longer autumn, a normal winter and a second autumn cuz spring sucks.” 

Soonyoung hums in that way Jihoon loves to hate, the kind that’s teasing and amused, quickly laughing at the way Jihoon shoves him with his shoulder.  
They fall in a peaceful silence only broken by occasional cars passing. Their hands brush one against the other so many times that Soonyoung’s heart has simply stopped missing beats and is just dying inside altogether.

That is until his heart jumps directly in his throat as Jihoon takes his hand and guides him to the convenience store just in front of his building.

Jihoon almost let's go and Soonyoung almost lets him. Maybe it’s how dazed he's been all day or how confused he is, but there’s something so domestic in watching Jihoon pick up a couple of beers and a mint ice cream, knowing exactly where things are in the store next to _Soonyoung’s_ place.  
The very brief moment their hands cease to have skin on skin contact, he quickly takes Jihoon’s hand again, interlacing their fingers together and squeezing it tight.

And he skyrockets over the moon when Jihoon looks a little shocked, confused even, but lets him do it. Only until they reach the counter though because then they could actually be seen and that’s a nono. 

Soonyoung sometimes wishes _not_ to understand, but he does. He knows and agrees that it’s a risky business to be outed.  
When you’re a celebrity, like Mingyu or that other singer guy Soonyoung read about, you can still hope for a small chunk of your following to still love you even after you come out. 

But people like them, who are in show-business, but not really… They’re not worth the risk.

They’d make a few articles, k-netz will bash them for being openly gay and no one will ever want to risk getting their careers linked to them.

And if like Jihoon, or Soonyoung himself, you care about your career, then you need to decide whether or not admitting your sexuality, getting into a relationship, or even just acting upon your own orientation is worth it.

They have their friendship. And it’s one of the best things in Soonyoung’s life. 

So no. Risking their friendship, their faces and their careers is not worth a simple “what if we could be more.”  
Not for Jihoon.

 _And not for me_ , he forces himself to think as his hand yearns to be held again, just for a second, in front of the cashier and the two other customers of the convenient store.

 _Just for a second,_ his treacherous mind says, _one small second of reassurance that you don’t hate the idea so much._

They walk in silence, Jihoon whistling in the night unaware of the sudden change in Soonyoung’s mood. The older has to print an easy smile on his face the moment they reach the elevator.

It’s not Jihoon’s fault their country is so harsh with people like them.  
It’s not Jihoon’s fault if he’s still working up the courage to come out to his parents, who keep stressing him about getting a girlfriend and giving them grandchildren (even if Jihoon is still in his early twenties).

It’s not Jihoon’s fault if Soonyoung doesn’t have the guts to directly confront him about what he wants them to become.

*** 

Whatever sadness Soonyoung feels is easily forgotten once again, and he doesn’t really know if it’s him being too volatile in the heart or maybe just Jihoon’s presence.

They have a midnight snack that resembles a very late dinner; they talk about work and Soonyoung almost suggests listening to that song Bumzu told him about but Jihoon looks dead tired and in a blink of an eye they find themselves on the couch.

Soonyoung lets the mint ice cream they bought melt a little, playing with it and pushing it around as Jihoon has a dazed look on his face. The younger takes another sip of his beer, his eyes unfocused, looking at the tv screen. Soonyoung has finished his long ago and actually gulped down another half of a new bottle.  
He’d never admit it, but drinking so quickly might have just done something to his head, he thinks giggling to himself, still pushing the ice cream around with his spoon. 

Jihoon finishes his beer as Peter opens the sunglasses case Tony left him and Soonyoung amusedly notices how Jihoon is paying attention once again to the movie.  
 _He always did have a thing for Tom Holland._

They continue like that for a while. Soonyoung finishes his third bottle and Jihoon his second, melting a little more into the couch every few minutes, a little bit like the dancer’s half-forgotten dessert.

When MJ and Peter are being all cute and sweet on the bridge, Jihoon has his head on Soonyoung’s lap and there’s a little, adorable smile on his face that catches the older off guard. His spoon is suddenly forgotten mid-air as Soonyoung fails to breathe, looking at this Jihoon: sleepy, contented and resting on his thighs.

So sweet, so relaxed, so breathtakingly comfortable that Soonyoung can almost pretend he’s _his_. 

And then something drips on the side of Jihoon’s face and dear god this was meant to be wholesome but the moment that white-ish drop hits his skin, Jihoon gasps and it feels too much like one of those dreams Soonyoung pretends not to have on a regular basis.  
The spoon drips another two drops of liquid mint ice cream and Jihoon now has his face turned to him and Soonyoung has to be possessed or drunk or anything but he actually moves a hand over Jihoon’s chest, lightly, to tell him to stay put for a second.

He almost loses it when the other actually remains lying on his lap.

Soonyoung's hand leaves the other's chest to travel to the side of his face, thumb quickly cleaning it from the melted ice cream.  
He hopes Jihoon is too into whatever is happening to notice the nervous bobbing of his Adam apple as he raises his thumb to his mouth, eyes locked to him.

There’s a short intake of breath from the younger as he does and Soonyoung tilts the spoon he’s still holding in his right hand.

The drips come one after the other, precisely on the corner of Jihoon’s slightly agape mouth. The sight makes the older twitch in more ways than one and, by the flash of something strong in his best friend’s eyes, something that Soonyoung is sure is lust, Jihoon wants this just as much.

But still, a part of him waits for the other to snap out of it, to block his hand as it caresses his face.  
Jihoon doesn’t, not even after the spoon falls to the floor with a clunking sound and Soonyoung shifts his legs, silently telling him to get up from his lying position.

The moment the younger gets up, he’s kneeling on the couch facing Soonyoung and his eyes are searching for something. Soonyoung’s are too and this time when he feels like getting lost in Jihoon’s dark irises, he feels a little spark in his heart telling him that Jihoon is getting lost in his as well. 

The younger leans forward first, his hand moves to put his weight forward, in that spot on the couch that is just between the older’s open legs and Soonyoung gasps at the sudden movement.   
He wants to close his eyes from how incredibly alive, yet so close to dying he feels in this very moment. But if this is gonna happen he wants to see it all unravel in front of him.

And a second later it all falls apart and maybe he really should have closed his eyes.

The sight changes in the blink of an eye.

The look Jihoon is giving him goes from lustful and dazed to panicked and fearful.

There’s an explosion on tv. That's what breaks Jihoon out of his trance.  
Suddenly, the movie is loud in Soounyoung’s ears and it casts an ominous red light on the side of Jihoon’s face as the latter snaps out of his daze.

The hand resting between Soonyoung’s thighs snaps back, so as the rest of Jihoon’s body as if violently pushed back by an invisible hand.

Soonyoung doesn’t understand what happens exactly.

Sometime later tho, his phone dings and lights up in a dark living room.  
The movie has been over for a few minutes now, the ice cream spilt over the little table by the side of the couch, the beers are long forgotten.

The last memory he has of his best friend is him rushing out, face distraught and avoiding his eye, his left hand clutching his few belongings as he alternated putting on his shoes and rubbing the corner of his mouth harshly as if to clean it.

It takes Soonyoung a minute to actually look at his phone and his whole chest feels like a crystal box getting shattered when he does.

**From: my hoons (^ 3 ^)**

_I’m home._

_I’ll be working with Won tomorrow so I’ll be busy all morning._

_It’s your day off, so maybe you should rest a little._

_I’ll text you when I can._

_I’m off to sleep._

_You should sleep too._

That’s far too many texts in one go. But it’s the only thing that hints to something being off in his best friend. Everything else, the content, the word choice, the tone.

A small cloud with intermittent dots shows on his screen and he patiently waits with a blank expression and an equally blank mind for the next text to come. A final _good night_ maybe.  
It doesn't come and Soonyoung is only left reading five utterly casual texts.  
Everything is normal and Soonyoung is not sure whether or not to be relieved.

Jihoon won’t address what just went on in Soonyoung’s apartment. It means their friendship is safe, it means he doesn’t hate him for what was happening, what could have happened.   
Jihoon won’t address what just went on in Soonyoung’s apartment. It means they're still stuck in this stressful limbo.

Soonyoung doesn’t think he can sleep, not immediately at least.

He actually cleans up, writes himself a note to ask Mingyu for tips on how to make sure the melted ice-cream doesn’t permanently ruin his wooden furniture and even manages to laugh at the comedy program that’s airing at 2 am on JTBC.

He hops in the shower at 2.30 am, just because and it’s both good and bad because he loves hot showers after a long day. It feels like a warm hug, a loving embrace ready welcoming him, saying _you worked hard today, you deserve all the warmth in the world._

But today no amount of scorching water seems to warm his insides and flashes of Jihoon and his smile and the ghost of his gasps are loud in his ears.

When he falls to his bed, Jihoon is still there, behind his eyelids, and the echoes of what they almost did bounces around his brain.  
If he just blocks the image of his best friend running away, he can almost feel a semblance of warmth in his blood.

So even if he knows he’ll feel like shit as soon as it’s over, he lets the memory play but shapes it differently so that when Jihoon leans closer he doesn’t let the chance go.  
He takes it in his hands, takes Jihoon in his hands and doesn’t let him go.

When Jihoon whispers in his ear he loves him, letting himself unfold in Soonyoung’s arms, the latter arches in his bed. Like every time it happens, he goes to the bathroom, cleans himself up and stares at his reflection in the mirror wondering what he’s doing with his life, with his heart.

Soonyoung falls asleep a few minutes before four and this time when he wakes up at lunchtime the next day, that mix of feelings in his body is still as strong as when he closed his eyes.

And he stays like that for the whole week, not sure what’s stronger.

Hating Jihoon for not being brave enough to try.  
Hating himself for not being strong enough to handle it.  
Loving Jihoon enough to understand.  
Loving his job enough to make it his priority.

Soonyoung tells himself he’ll choose sooner or later; what to do, what to say, _what_ in general.  
Either that or the Universe will choose for him.

  
And so the _Universe Factory_ chose.

* * *

Hellooooooo thereeeeee ~~~

I was meaning to update this last week, but uni is a "beach" so that plan failed (among many others) I surprisingly love writing SoonHoon and unsurprisingly love angst so im sorry hehe,  
There will be some more explicit/mature scenes later on in the story so im trying to ease myself into writing those kind of things and im not sure about the result but i can only hope practice makes decent lol ...

As you can see the first chapters are more of setting and the actual plot will start next time! I will try to update monthly (supposedly the second Tuesday of each month) but I'm not totally sure yet so I'll just try and get back to writing as much as I can before exam season starts.

If you're reading this, I just wanna say I am so happy you've given me some of your time to read this. I truly hope you liked it and it would mean lots to hear your opinions in the comment section! 

if you want, feel free to come and interact over on twitter [@sun_shinejay](https://twitter.com/sun_shinejay) // [@caratwtjey ](https://twitter.com/caratwtjey)


	3. The Confession

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Soonyoung wants to move on. Jihoon wants to talk.  
> Soonyoung can't move on. Jihoon wants to talk.  
> Soonyoung wants to confess. Jihoon wants to... confess too.
> 
> Soonyoung thinks they might be on the same page for once. But maybe not.

After that eventful night, Jihoon clearly takes more than a few steps back in their relationship and for the first time in forever Soonyoung is actually glad he does. They never mention it in the passing weeks and before long it’s nearly spring. 

Soonyoung is busy with Wonwoo’s comeback as well as overviewing a new girl group that’s meant to debut in a few months and overworking sounds better than overthinking, so that’s what he does.

He still pines for his best friend, though. It’s almost a habit and some people, Jeonghan mostly, might even consider it a bad one, but he’s managed for a couple of years now so he guesses he’ll just continue like this. 

The choreographer decides to wait for Jihoon to approach him first, which in itself is strange because usually, when things get weird, it takes a few (painfully nonchalant) meme texts from Soonyoung for them to get back on track as if nothing happened. Whether they fight, flirt or just generally grow a bit distant, it’s always Soonyoung that caves in first and tries to make things better.

But this time he’s, first things first, extremely busy and second, extremely done with Woozi’s shameful and panicked look whenever they cross paths in the company building.

It’s such an uncharacteristic behaviour for the older, that it is actually very _him-like_. 

The genuinely gemini anger and bipolarity finally snapping.

Hoshi scoffs when he first realizes it, finding it interesting how one night (and a very stressful couple of weeks) are making him reconsider a lot of things in life. And when he next sees Jihoon lingering outside his practice room (but never actually walking in, like the other five times he caught him) he is so upset with the younger he actually ends up texting Jeonghan.

**To: Hannie Hyung <3**

_u know what_

_Im getting over him_

He sees the reply coming up immediately and smiles knowing he chose the right person to text for an instant reply.  
(Also, Wonwoo and Jun are biased and would have probably called bullshit on him.)

**From: Hannie Hyung <3**

_Not that i don’t approve, but you’ve said this a hundred times_ _  
_ _what prompted this?_

**To: Hannie Hyung <3**

_hes frustrating and hes doing that little push_ _  
_ _and pull thingy he does whenever we get too comfortable…_

_I just feel so stressed and done and maybe ur right about letting go_

**From: Hannie Hyung <3**

_I think i missed the part where you guys got “too comfortable”_ _  
_ _but does this mean i get to hook you up with my cousin?_

_shes a fan of wonwoo too if u_ really _wanna let go ;)_

  
  


**To: Hannie Hyung <3**

_hyung… eww_

_also_

_ewww_

_and Won has a boyfriend_

He gets called out for being close-minded and Jeonghan starts his own little rant about poly relationships and threesomes that are far too detailed to be made up. Soonyoung is kinda disgusted, a little confused and a tiny little bit intrigued.  
Not that he would ever admit it.

Also, he feels a lot lighter. But then Jeonghan asks him if he’s serious and he doesn’t answer for a good three days.  
Of course, in those three days, Jihoon actually texts him and a lot of shit hits the fan. 

***

Counting that Jihoon is always the one hesitating, and Soonyoung is always doing, the latter chokes on his beer when his best friend texts him from the other side of the room, asking for Hosh to step outside with him.

They’re at the celebratory dinner for Wonwoo’s rather _fruitful_ album and promotions and Soonyoung promises himself to only drink one beer because it’s his first time touching alcohol since that night and he has work in the morning.

The text he receives is concise and short, very Woozi like, not very Jihoon. Though Soonyoung doesn’t really know what good differentiating the two personas does; it’s all a mess in his head anyway.

The resolution he had that very morning during his conversation with Jeonghan is still strong( _ly unsure_ ) in his chest and as he reads he almost slips his phone back in his pocket, but he makes the mistake of actually looking for Woozi with his eyes. 

Not surprisingly, he finds the younger one immediately; after all, it’s his favourite hobby: _Jihoon looking_.

Jihoon has a light blush on his face, probably due to the shot glass he’s playing within his left hand. He also has a pleading, nervous look as he meets his eyes from a few meters away.

It’s the kind of look Soonyoung is so exhausted of being whipped for. He gives a single nod and a tight-lipped smile as Chan tugs on his sleeve questioning where he’s going.

Soonyoung just shakes his head twice, once for his favourite dance crew member and once for Wonwoo who’s raising an eyebrow, eyeing between his choreographer and his producer. 

It’s chilly outside, but not overly so, reminding Soonyoung just how close spring is. They sit right at the step of the restaurant, kind of blocking the way. It’s not like anyone would actually enter at this time in the night and the only ones inside are the people they’re with. 

He pretends the breeze is why his skin prickles and his blood chills, not the intense gaze Jihoon is wearing in his glossy eyes.

“Are you mad at me?”

It comes as a whisper.  
But it comes and Jihoon actually looks resolute despite the trembling phrase.   
A little voice that sounds a lot like the ever-wise Joshua tells him that he should take this chance and seek for closure, finally confronting his best friend with whom he is so pathetically in love with. Because for once he can plainly and easily see the guilt in Jihoon’s face and tone. Not to mention, though not directly, Jihoon is actually admitting to having done something that could upset him.

It’s not much, but it could be enough for Soonyoung to latch onto if he truly wants answers and development.

The problem is that he’s not sure he does, he understands at that very moment.

Jihoon looks beautiful, with his pale, perfect soft skin, under the streetlights and he looks almost ready, almost defeated and he says it again.

“Are you mad at me for running away?”

It’s more explicit and now it’s both Jisoo and Jeonghan in his head, telling him to seek closure, to seek confrontation. So he does what he does best because no matter how much he _says_ he wants something to change, change scares him shitless.

“Why should I be mad at you?” he says with a happy-go-lucky grin. 

He’s stupid, he knows. And for a moment Jihoon looks disappointed. As if for the first time the younger didn’t want to leave him wondering as if he wanted to actually talk about _all of it._

But Jihoon just faces the cars passing and doesn’t try to press the conversation further. They stay like that for a few minutes until Jihoon stands up and stares at him.

“You’re my _best friend_. You know?”

It feels strange to hear it even though those words have been exchanged between them so many times before. But there’s something sad and final and beat in Jihoon’s tone. As if it’s painful to say.

“I know. And you are mine.”

Jihoon walks inside without waiting for him.

Soonyoung stays outside to stare at the flickering light of the shop on the other side of the road. It takes him a few seconds, but when he dozes off, the perfectly crafted smile falls and his face goes blank, asking himself if pretending nothing happened was the right thing to do. Maybe Jeonghan was wrong and maybe he and Jihoon _were_ made for each other, with the way they were both so awful at confrontation, they really did match.

But most probably, Jeonghan was right and Soonyoung was just pretending to be looking for closure, too unsure whether to face Jihoon but at the same time too scared to look anywhere else.

In the end, he remains sitting outside, cold until he’s offered a ride home from one of his dance crew members. Jihoon waves him goodbye with a smile and Soonyoung closes his eyes, resting his head against the window.   
The mixed feelings in his heart are almost comforting.

***

He wakes up well-rested, for once. The regret of not talking clearly with Jihoon comes knocking on his door a few times but he doesn't let the torn thoughts in and focuses on his daily tasks. 

When Soonoung opens his phone, he finds himself in front of his texts to Jeonghan, the ones about moving on and he allows himself to remember how they were the last thing he read before going to sleep the previous day.   
He still hasn't answered the question the older gave him. He's not sure if he will, honestly. 

He quickly picks up his calendar, slips into his Hoshi trademark energy to deal with his day and rushes to the company for his new class. It should make him upset, he thinks, because it's early morning on a Monday and he's supposed to be spending it with Jihoon now that they’re talking again, but with how things have been going (and how many mondays they skipped) he's actually not that dispirited.  
If anything, it feels almost like a new start, he thinks as he texts Jihoon.

The younger answers swiftly and promptly, agreeing to turn their Monday breakfast into Monday dinner.

Without noticing, the thoughts of regret get left behind along with the ones of moving on.

It might be because of the sun peeking in between fluffy clouds, or the new shoes that were delivered to him at dawn and he's already wearing. Or maybe it's the veiled knowledge that he dodged a heavy and dangerous conversation the night before. 

Whatever it is, he walks to his dance class with a bounce in his steps. And the good mood stays up till lunch break.

Hoshi stares at the ceiling for a good ten minutes after his class. His 12.00 am meeting got cancelled and he has time to rest and do nothing, so even if it’s pretty early for lunch he orders some food and waits for it to get delivered.

He eats while planning with his sketch/notebook by his side, writing down formations and moves and ideas as he listens to his playlist of songs to check out. It’s fun and refreshing to just put songs, not really remembering what he inserted in the list, and getting carried away by creativity.  
His mind is still on 5 Seconds of Summer’s Thin White Lines and he keeps tilting his head to the side, not quite satisfied, wondering if maybe it’s something more Chan-like than Hoshi-like. 

The first notes of the piano catch his attention mostly because it’s not something he’d save on his “to listen” playlist. The song sounds weird for the first few lines, with a mellow, sort of sad melody and no words, just some humming. 

Hoshi unlocks his phone to check the title, _LSM_loveletterballad_ in total minimal Jihoon style. It’s that song Bumzu sent him days back, the still unfinished demo his hyung told him to “play” with. He almost laughs at how kind Bumzu is, at how he threw Soonyoung a bone (a seemingly truly, deeply not-done-yet one) to entertain himself a little bit.

The smile turns into a relaxed expression as an unknown voice hums and sings random words about pining and yearning. The words come and go every now and then, more as to mark and accompany the melody than as actual lyrics, but every now and then they get clearer and make sense. Probably the little bits of lyrics that are final.

Halfway through the song Hoshi’s ears actually pick up a very familiar voice, a voice he could recognize anywhere, and Woozi sings about something beautiful.  
Memories apparently, fragile and beautiful, that he yearns for. 

The first vocalist answers, turning the demo track into some sort of duet. They sing about love, sad love it seems. They whisper words of waiting and waiting for their loved ones to ask them to stay.  
It hits far too close to home and he has to try twice to get his password right, but as soon as he unlocks his phone he looks for his conversation with Bumzu and opens the lyrics document he was sent.

Soonyoung scrolls past a few notes and the highlighted parts that in Jihoon-style mean _“things to think over and elaborate”_ ; he focuses on the parts in bold. The lyrics that have been written and decided already.

The song is most probably ending, slowing down to a painfully sad melody as the two voices sing the words he’s reading. 

_I love you. Say yes._

Soonyoung is on his feet in a second, looking over and over again at the lyrics, not even truly reading because his mind is in total chaos.

It’s the song Jihoon looked uncomfortable showing him, the one _“more up his alley”.  
_ Did it mean more than just a random demo? Was he reading too much into it?  
It couldn’t be, right?  
It had to make sense. _It made sense._

It was why Jihoon had been trying to talk to him, why he was trying so hard yet at the same time he seemed always so panicked to be around Soonyoung.

 _Oh_ , how it made sense now.

He kept pacing around the room, trying to be more logical, trying to understand if he was building his hopes up unreasonably. He even cleans up after his lunch and collects all of his things, still with his thoughts on that beautifully pining love song. 

_Gosh_ , even unfinished it made Soonyoung tear up and purely _feel,_ he thinks, taking the elevator and not really knowing what he was doing.

Hell, he felt so bad. So _guilty_.   
Jihoon was probably trying to put all of his feelings into not only beautiful words but a beautiful melody as well. And all the while, Soonyoung was actually thinking about _giving up?!_

He thanks his weak, whipped heart for not actually managing to move on from this situation, because now he was gonna get closure. And with closure, a new beginning.

_Yes, Jihoon. I’m saying yes. I love you. Yes._

He repeats these words in his head for a whole minute as he realises that his feet are taking him right there, to him.  
And just as he picks up the pace to reach the Universe Factory he catches a glimpse of Wonwoo’s red hair in one of the rooms they use for meetings.

He giddily remembers how Jihoon had to meet up with the rapper this morning and hopes to find him right there more comfortable about throwing Wonwoo out the room than anyone else.  
The older stops at the door, before either of his friends, can see him. They have their backs on him, sitting closely together in front of a computer and he almost clears his throat but something in their sombre, three-quarter expressions bothers him.

Despite always being more on the serious side, especially when together, something in the gloomy and dreary aura they emit makes him fidget on the spot.  
Wonwoo is saying something normal, though, nothing that seems bad if you look at the content. But the tone he uses chills Soonyoung’s excited blood.

_“Have you told him yet?”_

Jihoon shakes his head silently and draws a tired sigh from the taller man.

“You said you would tell him last night, Jihoon.” Wonwoo sounds disappointed, but still soft-spoken.  
 _“_ You can’t keep it in forever.”

The choreographer’s brain jumps to conclusions, completely disregarding the sad tone and a little spark of happiness seems to settle in his heart thinking they must be talking about him.

_Had Jihoon been planning on confessing?_

He worries for a second, hoping not to have hurt Jihoon for not wanting to talk clearly, for pretending that all was fine. But it was really all going to be alright.   
Soonyoung was going to anticipate him and confess first and then kiss him and hold him in his arms.   
_Everything would be fine._

“I’ve been trying to talk to him for weeks. But…” Jihoon sounds tired and stressed and as much as Soonyoung _knew_ Jihoon loved him too, he never really imagined that he was putting his best friend through so much pain.

He falls silent as Wonwoo prompts him to explain. The producer takes off his hat to run his dainty white hands across his scalp twice and then over his eyes. The rapper on the other hand turns to Jihoon a little more and Soonyoung instinctively takes a step back to hide.

“Something happened a few weeks ago.” Jihoon sighs and Soonyoung knows immediately what he’s referring too.

“Jihoon, we’ve been over this…” 

“I know, I _know_. But I stopped it, okay? Before it got too much, I stopped it.”

Jihoon’s soft and whispered words rung like sirens in his ears.  
Soonyoung should leave. He thinks he won’t like whatever they’re getting at.   
He’ll leave and listen to that ballad again and at dinner, he’ll confess and everything will be okay. Yet his feet stay glued to the floor.

“You shouldn’t have let it start to begin with, Woozi!” Wonwoo’s voice was distressed, pained.   
“We talked about this. New Year's resolution: sort out your feelings and choose, remember?”

That little that Soonyoung could see of his face showed those exact feelings as well.

“You chose to move on and to put some distance.”

When the rapper talked again, his voice was a few decibels lower but still as emotional.  
“I know it’s hard, but it’s hurting you and him and to be honest I feel like shit too, whenever _he_ talks about you and I have to _pretend_.”

They stay silent, but Soonyoung is smart enough to connect the few dots he has.

 _… you chose to move on…_ repeats his mind, staring at the back of Jihoon’s head.

“I fucked up, okay?” says Jihoon with a broken sigh. He sounds like he’s about to cry and it scares Soonyoung so much because he never cries.

“I _love_ him, Wonwoo. I _do_ ,” he said with so much emotion. 

But that emotion sounded like pain and regret and Soonyoung’s heart broke regardless of the words leaving his best friend'slips.

“I thought I could do it. Put some distance, but right after he came back from the holidays … I don't know." 

Funny enough (it's not really funny _at all_ ), Jihoon does sound like he has no clue.   
"We went ice skating and I'm not that good and he helped, held my hands and all. It felt good."

Wonwoo has understanding eyes, yet he shakes his head and Soounyoung gives himself a few seconds to smile at the memory before batting the tears away.

"I wanted to be selfish. I _was_ selfish. I told myself I could just keep going like this, for just a week."

"Let me guess, the week turned into a month?" Even from behind, Jihoon reeked of guilt and the pain in Soonyoung's chest got stronger.

"What then Jihoon, you let yourself indulge in this and lead Soonyoung on, for what? To hurt him? To hurt _yourself_?" 

Wonwoo's words were like a slap on both his friends’ faces and Soonyoung felt a tear roll down his cheek just as Jihoon leaned to rest his head on the table.

" _What kind of future_ can you see, Jihoon? It can only hurt the two of you… unless you change idea..." 

It was only a small bait, one Soonyoung hoped Jihoon would take, but also knew better.

"No. No, there's no other future." 

At that very moment, something in Soonyoung broke, but Jihoon kept going. "We _both_ know there can't be."

"Maybe, but I still think you should talk." 

There were sighs, but Soonyoung was far too focused on crying as silently as he could. 

" _Soonyoung knows._ Even if I don't tell him. He _knows_ I can't give him more than this. Saying it out loud…"

Somehow the emotion in the younger' s voice doesn't help, it only makes listening more painful. 

"Explicitly telling him that no matter how much I care and love him, I can't… I _won't_ give him more than what we already have.”

The older wishes he could see his face, even if it would make his world crumble even more. 

“It'll only hurt him. I don't think it's a conversation I can have. Not now, not as I still love him."

He thinks he deserves to see Jihoon as he admits all these things. The pain isn't a problem for him, he doesn't think he can be more broken than he is already. 

"I'll tell him and explain everything, but once I’m definite on moving on. It's the only way I can imagine having the guts to say it in his face." He hears an ironic, almost hateful scoff, the ones Woozi lets out when he feels particularly dissatisfied with himself.

"Maybe he'll have moved on too, by then. He'll be happier, won't even care. Maybe he'll be in love with someone who can treat him better."

Jihoon turns his head to Wonwoo, who tries to give him what seems to be a hopeful smile. Soonyoung thinks it looks like a grimace.

"It's your choice, Jihoon. Maybe you're right. Some time apart will help you." He says standing up and while placing a hand on Jihoon's hunched shoulder he adds.   
"You should tell him about that quickly. _Two weeks_ pass in a flash. You're seeing him tonight, right?"

Soonyoung doesn't have time to wonder at what the due time might mean, because they look like they're about to leave.

He rushes away to the opposite side of the hallway and enters an empty janitor room. Only when he hears utter silence, besides the buzzing white noise of the ventilation system, he lets a hand softly come to his face to wipe away the dry tears.

The choreographer sits on the floor for almost two hours, almost surprised by the fact that no one finds him, but he doesn't have the strength in himself to let his brain stray away from replaying that awful conversation in his head.

He feels so distraught he can't fathom any other sentiment besides tiredness as he spells every word that's been said.

When he emerges from the room. it's still sunny. It shouldn't be strange, it is after all still 2 pm, but for some reason he hoped it would be cloudy and grey, to fit his mood. Right now, the weather only makes him more miserable, like a big, great " _we're all doing great while you aren't"._

He laughs, maniacally, to the point that he almost sounds happy to his own ears. The almost creepy smile stays on his face when he gets on the elevator as he remembers why he was there.

Soonyoung thought Jihoon loved him. He thought Jihoon wanted to confess and to be with him to real. He chuckles, his eyes watering again.  
What a complete, idiotic fool.

He thought Jihoon loved him and he was right. Maybe it would have been better if he was wrong.

Being rejected by someone who doesn't love you right now sounds better, more logical, more comprehensible than being rejected by someone who loves you.   
He thinks he could pick himself up from the pain of not being loved, but not being loved _enough…_ it's a sting he never imagined to hurt like this.

In his daze, he manages to write a text to the management asking for a few days off, a sickness he says. They don't question him, a perk of being a company favourite (or because his almost-crying, rough voice truly sounds sickly) and before he hangs up he remembers his dinner. He asks to deliver the message to Woozi, asks them to tell the producer he won't make it to their schedule. They say they'll take care of it and Soonyoung's heart eases at the idea of not having to hear Jihoon's voice nor see his number. He chokes on his breath, getting inside the taxi as if in a trance.

The tears in his eyes latch to his lashes until he's in the safety of his room.  
He doesn’t eat, doesn’t move, at times it feels as if he doesn’t breathe (it sure feels like it).

He falls asleep what feels like days later, sensing the time passing only by the game of shadows the setting sun plays over his bedsheets. When he wakes up the day later he still doesn't eat.

He works up the strength to send one single text though, before going back to sleep.

**To: Hannie Hyung <3**

_Yes, I'm sure this time._

* * *

A/N:

HEYA! IM SORRY THIS IS STILL ANGSTY.  
But yeah, I'm so sorry if you guys hoped for them to clear things out, but things aren't that easy and once you start to NOT talk things out, you just start avoiding talking things out.  
Jihoon is set about his opinion and the closeness he feels toward Soonyoung is exactly why he can't and won't ever have the courage to do and be more.   
This was something I knew since the very start but I admit that I was tempted to make this a lot shorter (and completely change the plot) because making them suffer hurt me too... But I still believe this is more realistic and truer to the internal struggles of both characters. They love each other so it's hard to step back, but avoiding it turns it in its own way toxic. At this point, i felt there wasn't really a way for them to have a fresh start as a couple.

from now on soonhoon are still very much one of the most important (if not the most important) relationship in the fic, but i also can state that they won't be the endgame. they both need healing from a pain they've been ignoring for so long, but their love for each other is still very much real and very important so even if they're not the romantic ship in this, i hope you'll still read how it goes for them! <3

I feel lighter now that this first part is done, mostly cuz i can change the tags and warn people without spoiling. i hope no one feels played by the fact i didn't say it before, but we're still very much early on the story so hopefully, you won't hate me too much.

ps. this was meant to be the second half of chapter two and the first half of chapter three but i word-vomited so now it's a chapter on its own (you can see the chapter count went from 17 to 18 lol) 

anyway i hope you'll take some time to leave kudos and comments if you liked this (even if you don't! i don't mind constructive criticism!!! hehe)

see you next time (might be even before Christmas if uni doesn't k word me*crossing fingers* )

if you want, feel free to come and interact over on twitter [@sun_shinejay](https://twitter.com/sun_shinejay) // [@caratwtjey ](https://twitter.com/caratwtjey)

* * *


	4. The Rooftop

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Soonyoung and Jihoon finally talk and once again it's not what Soonyoung is expecting.  
> Broken hearts don't necessarily mean broken friendships and even if it hurts, they have to make it okay.

Soonyoung wakes up very sweaty, but the moment he kicks his duvets off of his body he gets struck by regret.  
It’s that time of the year where one day it’s spring and the other it goes back to being winter.   
He huffs thinking why he had gone to bed so covered when he already had a gut feeling that it would be sunny and warm in the morning. 

“ _Stop kicking and get the blankets for the floor._ ” drawls a soft voice from a little above his head.

Oh, that’s why. Because Jeonghan is perpetually cold, especially in bed. Something Jisoo considered very important to remind Soonyoung of every night for the past 5 days.   
Which is, coincidentally, the same amount of days that the younger has been taking as “sick days” (Lord bless Jeonghan’s sister who actually provided him a fake real doctor certificate for some bowel system problem).

Jeonghan only meant to drop by to steal some of Soonyoung’s mom’s homemade kimchi and instead had found a heartbroken, runny-nose and puffy-eyed Soonyoung and decided to look after him the whole day seeing it was his day off.   
His neighbour didn’t ask questions, which the 96liner was glad for, and was smart enough to connect his friend’s poor state to the very definite text he got the previous day. Instead, he orders some food (he can’t cook to save his life) and texts Joshua to drop by after work with the complete series of Step Up movies. 

The dancing cheers him up but by the time they reach the third movie, with Joshua asleep on his couch, he bursts to tears at almost every Camille and Moose scene, blabbering about how movies make it look like the best-friends-to-lovers trope is actually nice.  
The following four days are spent just like that, with Jeonghan and Jisoo dropping by as soon as they get off work and the older of the two spending the night to make sure someone’s there for Soonyoung, in case he has the sudden need to cry.

But now his certificate isn’t valid anymore and he’s already worked out a new schedule with management in order to make up for the lost classes and meetings. Work is unavoidable.   
It will keep him overly busy for the next week and a half, but it’s better this way. 

The more he has on his plate, the less time he has to get into one of his moods where his eyes decide to engage in waterworks. Not to mention, it’s also less time he has for Jihoon.  
 _It’s bad_ , the mature part of him tries to remind him. 

He's aware he's being immature, cowardly and selfish, only prolonging something that's meant to end painfully. He's seen first hand how the situation seems to haunt Jihoon just as much.  
But apparently, Jihoon has been immature, cowardly and selfish for a little over two months now, so he has all the rights to take a few days of pushing back.

Still, as Jeonghan wearily watches him hop on a bus, he thinks he'll eventually face Jihoon by Monday at best. After all, he had brushed off Jihoon all throughout his 'sick leave' telling him not to drop by, not to worry and just postpone the Monday dinner back to the original Monday breakfast. 

Actually, he's pretty sure he'll face Jihoon on Monday, regardless of whether or not they'll bump into each other before that.

Jihoon asked to meet him at the rooftop on the next breakfast dat-- appointment. And that had to mean something.

***

Monday comes in the blink of an eye and the fresh March wind blows in Soonyoung’s face as he opens the heavy door to the rooftop. Jihoon is already there, with his feet dangling from the railings, shoulders slouched. He emits ominous vibes and Soonyoung can’t stop the slightly disheartened exhale.

Soonyoung doesn’t make any noise as he walks up to the producer, careful steps and breath stuck in his lungs. He sits rather naturally in the spot his body recognizes as his, and only once his butt touches the cold concrete and his feet dangle dangerously close to Jihoon’s own, he realises how much their vicinity now feels unfamiliar.

It’s a disruptive thought that makes him shiver visibly and it startles Jihoon from his trance, suddenly taking off his eyes from whatever far away building he was staring at.

“Are you cold?” 

It’s impossibly soft and low, with just a slight mention of movement from his shoulders, as if he was ready to take off his very thin jeans jacket and give it to Soonyoung. It’s a small movement but it’s there and as heartwarming as it is, it still makes the older feel anxious and tickly inside his own skin. It’s like his own body has stopped knowing how to interact with his own best friend and the usual thumping of his heart only makes him confused.

Soonyoung sighs and looks at the sky, knowing he should start the conversation and break the ice, otherwise they’ll just stay put doing nothing for the rest of the evening. But Jihoon doesn’t take his bait about the spring weather and simply stares at the side of his face with a deep frown.

“Are you okay, Soonyoung?”

He actually chuckles, finding the question somewhat unexpected and so complex in its simplicity. Was he okay? The answer was that no, he wasn’t, and if he really wanted to finally confront his best friend he should say it out loud. 

Jihoon takes his initial silence for a negative response. 

“You should have let me visit, I don’t have much to do this week. You could probably take another few days off and I could come over and help, if you need.”

It’s a heart-wrenching thought, so domestic and caring, very Jihoon in its own way. Though the younger is really not that vocal about these things, usually. The idea should make him smile, but every time Jihoon isn’t speaking, the memory of what he overheard drowns out everything else and he just feels so bitter.

“There’s no need. I’m doing better now.” 

_Better_ doesn’t necessarily mean _good_ , yet it still feels like a lie because he’s not sure if he actually feels less shitty than before. But at least he stopped crying, so probably yes.

“You still should have let me see you. I’m your best friend after all.”

Soonyoung doesn’t know how to reply and so he doesn’t. A couple of seconds pass with nothing but calm breaths, birds chirping, flying by, along with sporadic honks and traffic sounds.

“I had so many things I’ve been meaning to tell you.” 

Jihoon sighs, his left hand leaving the metal railing to rub his eyes and cheeks tiredly. Soonyoung notices the tips of his fingers are slightly reddened, matching the light colour on his tired face.

“Well, you can tell me now, Jihoonie.” he says lightly, trying to summon a small smile on his face and in his voice. “That’s why you asked me to come here, right?” 

He even dares to dangle his feet with a little more strength, actually wanting for his foot to bump against the producer's. 

He spies a small smile, only for a brief second before Jihoon’s face gets covered once again by guilt, but it’s enough to make him a tad lighter in the chest.

“ _Shoot_.”

He braces himself for whatever the other will say. Painfully wonders how Jihoon will confess leading him on, how he will address their mutual feelings and still the incapability to give Soonyoung more. Just seeing Jihoon take a long deep breath feels like a pointy, sharp arrowhead slowly piercing the skin of his ribcage. He braced himself for the stinging pain.

And when the words fall out the arrow in Soonyoung's chest turns into a knife, speedily and violently stabbing him in the back.

“I’m leaving for _America_.”

It comes really loud.  
Not quite shouted, but stronger and louder than Jihoon's usual tone and volume. As if he had been gathering the will and strength to say it out loud, miscalculating the actual output of the words. 

In a quite satirical coincidence, there's a loud car horn just a few moments after, reminding them that below them life goes on with little regard to their drama-worthy problems.

" _What_?" Says Soonyoung with a genuine bemused smile.  
His brain is a few beats behind his heart, still thinking it must be a joke and overloaded with questions on what does America have to do with the heartbreaking things he heard days before.

Jihoon steals a few glances his way but when he actually speaks up he settles for glaring with a concentrated frown at his swinging feet, nervous near Soonyoung's limp and still ones.

"I got an offer some time ago. Some people Wonwoo used to work with moved to New York to start a new company. Something about bringing South Korea in the American industry. Collabs with western artists but with our own flavour to it. Create something truly global, you know? Showing there's more to Korea than just overly saturated Pop music videos."

Soonyoung nods and tries to take in what he's hearing. His best friend must realize how this is taking him by surprise and he waits a few seconds to talk again.

"They heard some of my stuff, the things I do for Wonwoo, that edm pop track I did last year, IOI's _Downpour_. We talked a bit. A lot actually." 

Soonyoung dares to slowly lift his head, eyes taking in slowly all of Jihoon. 

"The way they see music… It's the way _I_ see music." 

As he speaks, his body lets go of the tension, little by little, and a small smile appears on his lips, his eyes crinkling for a faraway thought that seems to make him happy.

"They want to work with me. I thought it would be a long-distance thing, but they're pushing me to go there. And I told them I'd think about it." 

He shrugs in that nonchalant way that gives away how rehearsed it is. How much he actually cares about all this stuff he's lying down on Soonyoung.

"I think I want to go."

Soonyoung is still not truly wrapping his head around what he's been told. It's not what he was expecting, yet it hurts just as much. The shock, though, must be keeping him from the pain, because even if he knows he's hurt, knows that the moment he'll be alone he'll feel the pavement caving in, he feels like he's floating far away from it all. Head completely numb and lost, as if he was watching up to the sunlight, five feet below the water surface.

"When did they tell you?" he asks slowly.  
“Around last fall. But they were pressuring for an answer these past few months and I only recently said yes.” 

Jihoon’s voice is calm and final and if it wasn’t for the fact that he’s known him for a very long time, Soonyoung would probably miss the hidden guilt in his steady voice.

“And you said yes without even telling me.” he mutters almost to himself, not a question, just a statement made to wrap his head around the sudden urge to feel bitter.   
“Bumzu knew and thought I should have made the decision alone, not get influenced by others. I only told my parents and they seemed to agree that it was a nice opportunity.”

 _You also told Wonwoo. But not me. And Bumzu knew. So why not me?_ _  
_ He thinks with tears slowly climbing up to cling on his lower lashes. He bites his tongue, scared of everything he’s thinking and feeling. This wasn’t what he expected, yet it hurt just as much. If not more.

There’s a long pause in which they both end up looking at their dangling legs and Soonyoung feels himself leaning a little to his side, angling his body towards Jihoon, like the usual emotional masochist he is. He hopes for something, though he isn’t really sure what.

“Is that all Jihoon?” Soonyoung asks after taking a deep breath.

He had been preparing for confrontation about what they felt for each other. Maybe getting rejected the same evening of finding out the man he loved was about to leave the country wasn’t the best option, but you can’t break a broken heart and maybe he just needed for his world to crumble altogether at this moment rather than slowly, little by little.

“ _Yeah_. That’s … that’s what I wanted to tell you, I guess.” 

Jihoon leans towards Soonyoung for a second when he starts to speak but in the end, he moves away. Even his eyes move from their feet to somewhere up above them. For a second, Soonyoung wonders if he actually catches Jihoon batting his eyelids and the meaning behind the gesture make him more angry than sad.

“Are you sure?” he asks with a scoff that doesn’t match his unshed tears. And with the same glistening eyes Jihoon looks at him dead in the eyes, begging him to stop.

“100% per cent sure.”

They stay silent after that, staring ahead, for so long that Soonyoung almost forgets he’s there with Jihoon. His ears never stop ringing until Jihoon doesn’t ask him again what he’s thinking about America. Calmly, as if they weren’t just about to cry like idiots.

“Okay.” He relìplies. Not sure what he means, because nothing feels okay and even without the lingering romantic love between them, he would still hate the idea of his best friends leaving. 

He can feel the producer’s eyes on him. Staring, or maybe even glaring at his side profile.

“That’s it? Okay?” Jihoon asks again.

A little part of Soonyoung tells him he should say something, show something, because even if he was expecting some sort of closure, confession or any kind of acknowledgement of their romantic predicament, Jihoon is still his best friend. He’s still leaving and this is probably hard for him too. 

But a bigger part of him is not willing to be so whipped and weak and thinks Jihoon really needs to be treated like a stone-cold jerk.

“Yeah.” He says flatly, with a single curt nod.

“Soonyoung I’m leaving for months.” He says with a hurt, cracked and a little bit scandalized whisper-shout. “Is ' _Okay'_ really all you have to say?”

The feeling of a hand falling on Soonyoung shoulders pierces through his skin and burns him like freezing ice and he turns his hand, willing to remain scowling.

“100% per cent sure.” he says, ending his mocking line with an equally taunting smile.

An incredulous look, a shake of the head, a scoff and Jihoon looks away, just in time for Soonyoung’s expression not to break. 

“Humpf!” he scoffs “Sometimes I forget how immature you can be…” 

It’s not even a mutter or a whisper. Just a simple statement that Jihoon doesn’t try to mask. Soonyoung’s not sure if Jihoon’s behaviour, this fight, is helping him process the whirlwind of emotions he’s feeling. The love, the heartbreak, the anger, the sadness, the betrayal. But his body and blood are boiling and he can’t help but snap.

“OH, you want me to be _immature_?” Soonyoung asks facing Jihoon and reaching to have the younger look at him. “I’ll be immature, Jihoon.” He says angrily, shoving him. “I _hate_ you.”

There’s a silence, shorter than the ones they’ve lived through today, but still long enough for Soonyoung to see the emotions in the other’s eyes. Anger, sadness, guilt, anger once more, ending with determination and a deep inhale.

“Can you stop being childish for once?”

“No.” He speaks a little slower and a little lower. More collected, but still pissed.   
“At least, I don't lie to myself. If you want me to stop acting like this then stop being a hypocrite.” Soonyoung says with a sardonic grimace.

“At least I'm old enough to know when it’s time to stop running away.” He adds firmly.

Jihoon rakes a hand through his hair, rolling his eyes.  
“I’m not running away, Soonyoung! This is a job offer, a _great_ one!”

It breaks him a little to see just how oblivious Jihoon can be and he understands why he’s so mad. It manages to crack his wall of anger and leave him with disappointment. 

He can understand not telling him about America. Not at first at least.  
It’s a choice that Jihoon should make on his own and so he did.

It’s everything else that’s been left unsaid that hurts him.  
The reason why Jihoon could tell Bumzu and Wonwoo, but not him. The reason things have been strange and falling apart lately. The reason their friendship doesn’t work as it did anymore. The whole reason Soonyoung took a week to work up the courage to actually face Jihoon. Face their feelings. The ones Jihoon still refuses to face.

“I’m not talking about _America_ , Jihoon.”

When they’re eyes meet, Jihoon looks shocked but he keeps his eyes locked with Soonyoung’s. The latter can feel his anger turn in small moisture at the brim of his eyes the more they stay silent and staring at each other. Like a distorted mirror, so much like him yet also completely different, he can see the younger’s eyes fill with unshed tears as well. 

Soonyoung finally comes undone like that, not finding the strength to keep it together anymore. The tears fall silently, not like he’s usual bawling and sobbing and ugly whining, this time is calm and composed, but never-ending until the breath runs short in his chest.

Jihoon’s hand reaches forward to rest over his, lightly, scared, expecting to be rejected.

Soonyoung doesn’t move though and after a few seconds he manages to relax and the weight of Jihoon’s hand over his becomes more firm. He takes a deep breath and dries his tears as he can.

“I’m sorry.”

It’s a slow, whispered apology and it’s sincere, he can hear it, but Soonyoung still asks:

“For _what_?”

It takes Jihoon by surprise, it’s obvious by the way his back straightens in his peripheral view and his hand trembles over his. He almost retracts his hand but the choreographer won’t let him, turning his palm to hold on to it tightly.

“I - just… _I’m sorry_.” 

Soonyoung turns to look at him and the only thing he sees is panic. He can’t help the tired sigh as he turns away. The scoff he tries to let out comes out as a pained wail.

“Wow, you can’t even say it” he says under his breath.

Jihoon’s hand is sweaty under his, something that only happens when the younger is truly nervous and on edge, but it tightens in Soonyoung’s just for a second, before the producer speaks up again. 

“I’m sorry. For not telling you anything, about me... about us, _this_.” 

By the very first start, it sounds a little more sure than before and to the very least Soonyoung can appreciate the fact that he’s trying.   
“I… I know we should talk but I can’t. Not now, not like this. It’s selfish and wrong I know.” he says with raw desperation that is so unlike Jihoon, yet so in his chords whenever Soonyoung is involved.  
The smaller turns towards his best friend, bringing their joined hands closer to his chest.  
“But please, not now Soonyoung. I’m sorry. You deserve to be treated better. You… always will deserve better.”

The man addressed stays silent. It’s the most honest they’ve been to each other in a while, the most real. And it hurts, it really does, but it also makes him feel a little better. Jihoon isn’t really coming clean, but it’s a start and even if something in him breaks, something also heals.

Jihoon tugs on his arm, asking for his attention, with a red face and tired eyes; knowing Soonyoung enough to understand that the older is still processing the level of “ _pissed_ ” he is right now.

“Look I know I’m not in the position to ask you this but don’t be mad. Not for the next few days, at least. After that, you can send me all the hate texts you want. Call at every hour of the day to scream how much of a coward and idiot I am. But for now, please don’t be mad.”

It’s such a soft voice that Soonyoung finds himself looking in his eyes with a small smile and nods.

“I only have a week before the flight. I really don’t want to waste our time together.” whispers with a mirroring calmer and softer look.

It takes a couple of seconds for that last sentence to sink in and when it does Soonyoung yanks his hand away from Jihoon and groans. This is getting so frustrating, he wonders how he managed all these years on the roller coaster ride that is his best friend.

“ A week?!”

The smile on Jihoon’s face shifts awkwardly and there’s that guilty look again, but it’s less pained.

“Yeah-”  
“You’ve known for months and you waited until the last seven days to tell me?”

Somehow Jihoon’s guilt and sheepishness make him more frustrated and he actually sprints up on his feet.

“Please, I’m sorry!” Jihoon turns a little, as much as his legs in between the iron railings allow him, and reaches to tug on Soonyoung’s pants.  
The air has gotten visibly lighter since just moments ago, but it’s not enough to let Jihoon off Soonyoung’s hook. If anything, Soonyoung is only less heartbroken because he’s a lot more annoyed.

“And you don’t want me to be mad at you?” He asks sardonically yanking his foot back and away from his best friend’s reach. “ _Jihooooooon_! How am I supposed to wrap my head around this in so little time!” he groans as he starts pacing.

“I understand that things… I _know_ shit keeps happening and maybe it’s _my fault_ for letting it happen-”

Jihoon moves back to get his legs off the railings and turns on his bum so that he sits facing the choreographer, not getting up but crossing his legs and waving his hands in the air and asking him not to blame himself. Soonyoung ignores him completely.

“But you should have told me, I’m supposed to be your best friend!”

They fall silent for just a second and their eyes meet. Soonyoung standing and Jihoon sitting. 

“I’m supposed to be your _best friend_ …” he repeats as a tear falls down.

Unlike before, he can taste the saltiness of the watery drop before it reaches the corner of his lips and the other’s fall hard and fast and when he manages to bat his eyelashes enough to clearly see Jihoon, he’s surprisingly shocked to see that Jihoon is crying too. More composed, more silent, but there are obvious streaks on his cheeks as well.

The smaller reaches a hand forward and Soonyoung falls on his knees with a sob.  
They end up sitting crossed leg one in front of the other, the older reaching out to touch and play with the younger’s nimble, long fingers. They always did that, even before Soonyoung started putting romantic meaning to the act, when they were genuinely just friends, they held hands and played like this. It made them feel stronger being one with the other, before it started making them feel weaker. 

“I’m so sorry. I just… I didn’t know how to tell you.”  
There’s sincerity in his voice, a voice that sounds too good for the amount of pain it brings Soonyoung. But it’s honest and Soonyoung is tired of being angry and sad, so he accepts it.

“We seem to not know how to tell each other anything, anymore.” he sighs. “When did we get like this?” he asks both Jihoon and himself.

The other only sighs, so heavily that the air exhaled reaches down to their cold fingers.

“Promise me you’ll talk to me. It doesn’t have to be everything, every day. But just a little bit, whatever you’re comfortable with.” Soonyoung says leaning forward to search Jihoon’s gaze.   
“If we don’t communicate now, how are we supposed to survive three months apart?” 

The smile on his face is tentative at best, but it’s the only thing he can summon in his tired, broken state.

And when Jihoon replies, he wears his best smile as well.

“No, it’ll be everything. Little by little, I’ll tell you everything.”

“Okay then, let’s make the best of this last week. Shall we?”

* * *

HEYYYYYYY! FINALLY we are done with the last angsty chapter. we will see how Jihoon leaving will take a toll on Soonyoung, but it will def be less heavy and sad as this. 

Jihoon and Soonyoung are first and foremost best friends, they're love for each other is real and genuine and even if romantically they won't work I still want them to be each other strength. What makes them weak and fragile romantically (not communicating) almost destroyed their friendship but they're talking now and with the little time they have, they're going to focus on their friendship and the good that comes from the two of them together. 

It's only pushing aside the problems and issues but I felt it would be more real to see them still somewhat turning to look another way. I really hope that this chapter came out decently. it's the one that took me the longest to write and half of it was written in early December while the latter part just a few hours ago. I hope it still flows well and makes sense. 

PLEASE leave kudos if you like it and share your opinion! I would like to understand how you guys are viewing this and if it's lacking something or any kind of constructive criticism you might have. We still have a long time to go ( I actually had to add a chapter cuz this turned out longer than I meant) so please let me know what you think might happen after this!!! <3 

if you want, feel free to come and interact over on twitter [@sun_shinejay](https://twitter.com/sun_shinejay) // [@caratwtjey](https://twitter.com/caratwtjey) CC [@sunshinejade](https://curiouscat.me/sun_shinejade)


	5. The Departure

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jihoon leaves him beautiful words.  
> Jihoon leaves.  
> And it's time for both of them to just go on.

Soonyoung swings his legs left and right, fingers moving up and down the tabletop and mindlessly playing with some things he can't exactly name.   
Woozi is moving behind him, with his wireless pods, talking to someone on the phone, and packing up stuff.

The reality of his departure should have reached the older a few days ago now, or at the very least a few hours, but honestly the more the time approached the less it felt real.  
The whole week had been a whirlwind of things to do, both choreographer and producer with their big share of matters to take care of, but every night the two would have dinner together. They went to the movies or just hung out in one of their apartments.

On less filled days, Jihoon would drag him to the gym, grumbling about maintaining a good workout regime even without him. It was all strangely normal, exception made for that one single Saturday where they went to Busan at 5 am in the morning to say goodbye to Jihoon’s family and Soonyoung tagged along.  
They even went to the zoo in the afternoon before hopping on a train to the capitol. 

In his heart, Soonyoung did not feel much of a difference. His breath kept getting caught in his lungs when Jihoon stood a tad too close and his eyes lingered on the younger more often than not, yet it didn’t hurt quite as much, not when he was with Jihoon. There wasn't enough time left for him to do so.

He did feel fairly empty as soon as they parted ways and there were so many things he still wanted to do with the smaller man, but only in the safety of his room did he allow himself to hurt. Soonyoung had expected all the regret, remorse and sadness to hit him sooner or later, a couple of days from the flight or maybe even on its eve. However, on the last day of Jihoon’s work in Seoul, Soonyoung felt simply empty.

A little under the weather, but not sad or distraught, just _lost_. 

He listens to Jihoon talking, without really taking in what the younger is saying since it’s not really meant for him. Instead, he busies himself with observing his now bare surroundings. The neon lights are still on and so are some speakers. One single desktop screen is still in its place but covered by a cloth to avoid dusting. Even the mini-fridge is unplugged and left open.

A small, light knock comes, followed by a round, puffy face peeking in and cocking his head to gesture them to come outside. Soonyoung signals Jihoon as well and takes a small (but freaking heavy) backpack on his shoulders just as the younger takes another couple of bags.

Dinner is easy and light, none of them particularly emotional too shed tears.  
Bumzu does a bit of a father figure speech to which Jihoon simply nods staring into nothingness, though the tight hug at the end of the night tells Soonyoung just how grateful his best friend is for the older man. 

Wonwoo mentions something about texting him if “Coops” gets annoying and gives him pats in the back with an awkward, but fond smile. Jun fakes cry, recites a never-ending list of souvenirs Jihoon _must_ get him if he wants to even dream of setting foot in the country again and hugs the daylight out of his producer friend until he gets shoved away. Soonyoung doesn’t say his goodbyes and when they part that night, there’s only a genuine smile, a wish for nice dreams and a timely wake up in the morning.

The choreographer finds himself tiredly dragging his feet across his apartment and in his sleepy state he fails to notice the single tear streak that manages to make his way across his cheek when he falls asleep.

**** 

Soonyoung meets up with Jihoon in the late morning, in front of the latter’s apartment.  
He looks tired, Soonyoung notices. Like he has a hangover which he knows Jihoon doesn’t have unless he’s drunk alone the previous night.

The two friends barely talk, exchanging small smiles that mean nothing and everything at the same time.  
They eat the breakfast Soonyoung bought on the way and slip in the taxi with heavy sighs.

He tries to ignore the little glances his best friend gives him, sometimes worried and sometimes scared because he really is trying not to be overly depressed by this _temporary goodby._ In the end, he looks back at the producer and with a bright smile he reaches out to hold his hand.   
Instinctively Jihoon’s head snaps to look at the driver and though his hand flinches, he doesn’t try to move away. When the old man at the wheel glances their way they are met with warm, kind, unjudging eyes.

They stay like that with Soonyoung once in a while striking a conversation with the driver and humming along with the radio, hand still tightly gripping Jihoon’s. It’s peaceful and almost happy if it wasn’t for the _Incheon International_ signs indicating where they’re heading to.   
And with a bitter, cynical smile Soonyoung lets Jihoon’s hand go as they step out of the vehicle, but not before feeling the younger’s hand trying to wriggle away and cracking his heart just a little.

Soonyoung remains calm though because today is not about that and as much as it weighs on his heart he’s okay if it won’t be about that for a long while. He cares too much to be bitter. He realises on their way in that he doesn’t really know much about travelling and that his purpose here is of moral support more than anything. That said, the way Jihoon keeps looking at him like he might disappear tells him that moral support is exactly what Jihoon needs. 

So every once in a while Soonyoung smiles and pats his back (his head too, when he feels like being annoying), making random comments about people coming and going.

When the moment comes, they stand face to face a few meters from the gates.   
Jihoon looks like he’s really _really_ pissed, which happens only when he’s actually mad or when he’s trying to keep himself from crying and so Soonyoung doesn’t let him start, scared that Jihoon might actually try to say the _g_ word.

“It’s not goodbye, you’re gonna come back,” he says quietly, tentatively moving his fingers closer to where Jihoon’s are limp by his side.

Their hands brush against each other, comforting, just for a few seconds until Jihoon pulls his hands in his pocket, with a pained, guilty look. It’s a reminder, a hurtful one, that even if things between them will be on hold for a while, there is very little chance for them to have the ending Soonyoung’s been dreaming of.

“You can’t get rid of me so easily,” He says with a shaky voice.   
“I’ll call when you least expect it so that you don’t forget about me. You’re my _best friend_ , forever.” 

The stressing of those two little words means so much to both of them, though maybe sparking different emotions. With innocent, genuine surprise Jihoon replies.

“Promise?”  
“That I’ll call or that you’re my best friend?”   
“Both”   
“Yeah.”

Soonyoung’s smile grows bigger and bigger until the smaller smiles back, just a couple of seconds and when the older giggles, Jihoon’s smile falls.

“Soonyoung?” he starts with a whisper “ …. ‘m sorry.”

The choreographer sighs without meaning to   
“Jihoon… I get it, it’s okay,” he says smiling sadly, but Jihoon can’t stop.

“Still… I’m sorry. When I get back..”  
“Yeah, we’ll talk when you're back, don’t worry.” 

Soonyoung had hoped not to hear any mention of that. To not talk or even think about it, because there’s so much to be said and no time left.

“... I’m sorry. I wish I could say more.”  
“Jihoon _stop_ , really. It’s okay.”

Soonyoung brings his hand to Jihoon’s cheek, his small, sad smile turning into a wide mischievous grin because he refuses to cry right now, and with all his strength he pinches his cheek. The effect is exactly what he wanted and Jihoon jerks away with a glare, to which the taller replies with a light push on the shoulder, telling him to “ _just go already.”_

The other takes a step before looking back, only one because even when he’s being dramatic, Jihoon isn’t _that_ dramatic. Then Soonyoung is getting hugged, and for a wonderfully short moment, he feels Jihoon’s strong muscles caging his ribs.

“You’re my best friend.” the latter says taking a couple of steps back and Soonyoung can’t stop the smirk on his face.  
“I know.”

There’s a moment of silence when Jihoon just stares at him in the eyes with finality before saying quietly: 

“ _I love you._ ”   
“I know that, too.”

Right there he feels his eyes water a little bit, but his smile stays on faltering only when Jihoon tears up a little as well.  
“I’m so-”   
“ _Jihoon_ ,” Soonyoung whispers, giving his best friend another shove on the shoulder, nodding him towards the gates.   
Jihoon reluctantly turns, mouthing _“See you soon.”_ and he shouts an embarrassingly loud “ _Soonest_ ” knowing that Jihoon is smiling at that.   
It doesn’t make sense, but the two of them rarely do and it’s okay.

In the end, he’s okay.  
Having loose ends means that at least sooner or later Jihoon will come back to tie them up.

He hails a taxi, but the driver this time is an austere looking man that doesn’t seem to be in the mood for chit chat, not that Soonyoung is himself.   
He stares at the city, bustling with life on a spring afternoon, and opens his phone looking for the kakaotalk conversation with Jihoon. He’s not tech-savvy enough to even know if Jihoon can actually get those text messages once he lends in America but he tries anyway.

**I forgot to say it back. <** **  
****See what you leaving the country did to us already? Lol. <** **  
****You became sappier than me. But yeah ... <**

**I love you <**

For the first time in a long while the words don’t weigh on his heart like a death sentence and they don’t make his eyes rain as he rests his cheek on his pillow.

****

Turns out kakaotalk works even in America so the first thing he sees in the morning is a reply to his text. A stupid grammar correction (“ **>** **_*than I_** _”_ only further proving that Jihoon spent too much time with Wonwoo) and his new American number saying something about calls and video calls.  
Soonyoung will probably have to ask Jisoo more about it because he doesn’t get it.

He thinks about messaging Jihoon again, as he pushes the door to his preferred practice room and greets Chan with a one-arm hug. But last night’s “I love you” feels heavier now, more than it did when he sent it and he feels a wave of _something_ squeeze his lungs. 

He lets it be, for the time being, having work to do.

The first day is spent like that, looking at the convo trying to understand what to send, cuz he wants to say something and yet it’s not like he actually has things to say.  
He has to thank the 96line group chat, in the end, sparking up a random conversation about Mingyu’s painter friend that Soonyoung doesn’t understand. And apparently, neither does Jihoon given the rows of confusing emojis he sends.

With the help of basic maths and bubbly feelings induced by an active chatroom, the choreographer spontaneously opens Jihoon’s chat and asks him why he isn’t sleeping. The producer replies bury the evidence of Soonyoung’s (true, genuine, deep) three little words far away from the latter’s eyes so that he can go on comfortably.

After that, for the whole duration of Jihoon’s first few days in America, they go back and forth at random moments of the day until it seems like Jihoon is finally getting adjusted to the star and stripes timezone. The texting goes from quick and easy, as if Jihoon was just across town, to asynchronous, pointing out the reality of the distance and crushing Soonyoung’s lungs a little bit.

Alas, Soonyoung has to make due and keep his happy-go-lucky facade even when he misses his _friend_ terribly, to the point he almost calls in the middle of the night, _his_ night, even if he knows Jihoon is at lunch, getting a tour of New York by his new co-workers.

He only lets his finger linger over the number, deciding in the end that it would be simply not fair (and that he is still not strong enough to face the reality of the ocean between them, let alone strong enough to deal with hearing the voice he’s been trying not to miss for the past five days). And so, yeah, for the first seven days he doesn’t call and Jihoon doesn’t try to either, not by voice nor by video and it all works fine. 

Soonyoung could even say that _he’s fine._ If it wasn’t of course for the times he rushes to the studio, hoping to find Jihoon there. Or the times he stares at the Han river from his apartment and cries a little. But he’s never been caught yet so all’s good.

Jihoon “sounds” _fine_ too, but after 10 days Soonyoung realises there’s really no depth in their conversations. It’s not more than a list of random things they see and do through the day.

The cat that looks like Jun or the awful tuna sandwich Jihoon ate. The latter never really mentions how he feels about his new job, his new life and Soonyoung can’t blame him. He realizes he’s done the same after all, talking about the coffee stain on his new blouse, Jeonghan and Jisoo making things official, but nothing about how the company feels, how he feels with Jihoon not there. 

It’s safe, if not a little bit empty. 

He cries the night after he realises and for the first time since the _three little words_ he texts Jihoon something raw.

**I kinda miss you, jiworm. <** **  
****Sorry if it’s random. <**

Jihoon is not supposed to be awake, it’s only 6.30 in the morning and according to all the time knowing him, Soonyoung knows that’s a full three hours into the younger sleeping schedule, yet he replies and the little dots showing up make him cry harder.

**> No it’s okay…** **  
****> I miss you too, idiot.**

The little dots come and go for a full fifty seconds and it brings a smile to Soonyoung’s lips, imagining Jihoon’s frown typing and backspacing. For someone often so direct and blunt, it felt unreal and silly to see those three dots coming and going, insecurely. 

**Just type it and send it already, tofu. <**

He types one-handed, using the back of his left hand to rub over the tracks of his already dried tears.

**> …** **  
****> Choose a nickname, idiot.**

**Did I wait a whole minute to be sent little dots and an insult, rice bowl? <**

The little dots come again and Soonyoung sends another set of encouragement messages until Jihoon asks him if he listened to it.  
It’s random and unrelated to anything they said, either that night (morning for Jihoon) or on the earlier days, so the older sends a few " _???"_ in reply.

**> The song, Soonyoung. The one I gave you.** **  
****> I was waiting for you to bring that up, I thought maybe you didn’t want to talk about it.** **  
****Isn’t that why you said you missed me?**

Soonyoung knows nothing about a song and he doesn’t know what to say, so he says nothing and after a couple of endless seconds Jihoon answers his own texts.

**> It’s okay if you don’t want to talk about that.** **  
****> I get it** **  
****> I knew I was overstepping, writing that and leaving you to deal with it, so it’s fine.**

Another set of words comes a little later as if Jihoon took a little more time formulating his thoughts.

**> I just felt guilty I guess, about leaving without ever telling you more. About me and you. Maybe I made it worse with the song and all, but I wanted you to know. I’m sorry.**

The only thing he can reply is not to say sorry, because even if he doesn’t fully comprehend he will never blame Jihoon for trying, even if it might hurt him.  
Jihoon apologizes anyway.

**> We should be talking face to face, but I can’t even do that.** **  
****I’m sorry if I made things harder with that song.**

 **I never even heard it tbh <** **  
****where did you leave it? <** **  
  
**

**> You don’t have to listen to it. **

**Did you mean it? Whatever it is in that song. <**

**> Yeah.**

**Then I want to hear it. Where is it? <**

Jihoon hid it in the front pocket of his backpack, the one he had on when taking Jihoon to the airport. Soonyoung never uses it, so it turns out that it was a little too good of a hiding place.   
Jihoon keeps typing and backspacing, hypnotizing Soonyoung with grey dots once more so the latter actually asks for Jihoon’s permission to listen to the song. Explicitly asking if Jihoon has changed his mind. It takes Jihoon ten minutes to answer in which Soonyoung almost falls asleep clutching the pen-drive in his hand. He wakes up to a confirmation text and yet another apology. 

It takes him another day to listen to it, in which Jihoon doesn’t text him.   
He guesses they're both waiting for Soonyoung now.

He takes it to work and it burns in his sweatpants pocket for the whole day to the point he pats his thigh a few times throughout his classes to see if it’s still there. At dinner, when he’s supposed to leave, he gets dragged by his own feet to Jihoon’s studio and as he stays there for a good hour and half until his stomach is grumbling and his legs are tired of spinning him in place on Jihoon’s old chair. Then, he’s forced to admit it’s time to listen.

A lonely piano greets him, surely leading to something richer but it takes him back for just one second, to a different song that had once made him feel so hopeful.  
It’s the longest [3:58 minutes of his life](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=f0w-S69j1p4). 

Soonyoung doesn’t cry. Not until he reaches home and he listens again, on his own in the safety of his bed. In secret, even if it’s what Jihoon keeps telling him not to do.

***

Soonyoung doesn’t have the strength to reach out the morning after, even if he knows he shouldn’t leave Jihoon waiting like this.

He types the words he wants to say five times throughout the day, trying to formulate the right words but they all sound wrong. Chan, somehow growing older and wiser by the day, sips on his water calmly after they finish a new choreography and tells the senior choreographer that whenever he feels like he can’t text what he means it’s because whatever message he wants to get through is meant to be _said_ and not written.

It’s a strange and hard concept for Soonyoung’s overly tired and emotional brain, but he kinda gets it as he dwells on it during the day and he turns off his phone until his schedule is over. It doesn’t mean that he’s immune to thinking about all the things he wants to tell Jihoon, but it’s difficult to put the words together when he can’t even sort out the feelings. 

Soonyoung’s touched and hurt at the same time. The words Jihoon left behind for him are beautiful, yet their beauty doesn’t hide the pain they bring, they highlight it. It’s a love song that’s for sure, but it’s also an _I’m giving up on us_ song.   
Soonyoung loves it so much it hurts or maybe it hurts him to the point of making him think pain for love.

He wants to blame Jihoon for being such a coward, for leaving him with nothing but empty words, waiting for a blurry future. At the same time he wants to thank Jihoon for turning the mess that they were, still are, in art and for giving him something at all, along with the promise of coming back.

He naps the whole afternoon, as soon as he gets home up to when Jeonghan calls his landline to drag him out and have dinner at the minimarket down the road, surely with the intent of talk Soonyoung’s ear off about how much Jisoo seems to tiptoe around him lately.

He’s _almost_ right in the sense that Jeonghan does talk about Soonyoung’s favourite barista-hyung, but mostly to brag about how they jumped each other the previous night and it’s only a matter of time before his _Jishuji_ will cave in and ask him to be his boyfriend officially.

The whole thing is delivered in such a flamboyant _Jeonghan_ style that Soonyoung can’t even have it in himself to feel bitter or awkward. But as he steps back into his apartment he does feel a little bit jealous.

It had always been so easy for those two. For Shua hyung and Hannie hyung.  
All the lovers they had through the years hold nothing against the love they had for each other and it was visible, palpable and in their own not-always-subtle ways _shown._

It simply doesn’t seem to be Soonyoung’s narrative, he can only guess. He’s been made for dramatic and emotional and torn. He entertains himself with the thought that maybe this makes him much stronger than anyone else. With a smile, he grabs his phone and embraces his plotline made of sung words, silent emotions and postponed conversations.

Jihoon’s face greets him in all his _just woke up_ glory and the older doesn’t bother with greetings. Soonyoung almost smiles for sadistic reasons he doesn’t like to linger on when the producer looks a little panicked when he starts with “I heard the song. A beautiful song, really…. honest, it seems.”

“ _Soonyoung…_ ” The cruel pleasure in knowing he makes Jihoon as nervous as Jihoon makes him leaves as a defeated feeling in his chest falls over his lungs. 

There’s the sound of a tv in the background, from Jihoon’s new place and the sound of a firm American accent is proof of their distance. That and the yellow, sunny lights coming from the windows.

“No, _don’t_ ,” he says curtly yet softly, stopping Jihoon from what probably was another apology.   
“I don’t really want to talk about it. I just called to say that I did listen. And that I like it.” he says honestly. “I didn’t want to pretend I haven’t listened on repeat for the past day and a half… You told me not to listen in secret.”

“Soonyoung, I’m sorry. That song…”

“No, not _now_ . Not like this. I know what that song means. And I’m cool with it. It’s the only thing I wanted to say. If you have anything to add we can wait.” says the older with a clear and set mind, one he isn’t sure he actually has or is faking.   
“We’re not doing this with miles apart dividing us. Whatever you want to say can wait another few months, I’m sure. Let’s just take this time to think and… move forward. Clear our heads. When you get back, we’ll talk.”

He doesn’t really look at Jihoon, glancing around the four walls of his apartment as if the words he wants to say are floating around him. With a final deep exhale he smiles, maybe a bit awkwardly, but genuinely. Chan was right, in the end, what he wanted to _say_ just came out.

There’s a strange, positively awkward moment in which they both stay silent and Jihoon looks relieved, probably still taking in what the choreographer had just told him. He fumbles through his next sentence, gesticulating mid-air like he always does. 

“Oh, okay. If- if that’s… Maybe I should go…” 

It’s actually cute, in a normal-Jihoon endearing and not a whipped-Soonyoung kinda way, and as the younger pushes his seat further away from his table the older realises that Jihoon is unsure on whether or not Soonyoung actually called for something _besides_ telling him _that._

“Don’t be stupid now Ji,” he cuts him off with a chuckle, “It’s 10 over here, so it’s like…. 8 in the morning, you’ve got nowhere to go yet. Just stay and tell me about your new life while you have breakfast.”

“You know, I don’t like eating alone.” Jihoon doesn’t seem too convinced, but he’s fallen back to his seat, so Soonyoung knows they’re only a light shove away from _not awkward grounds._

“Cool, then I’ll eat with you,” he says with a cheeky shrug. He moves to the fridge to get whatever leftover he has there and tells Jihoon to follow his example. 

“Didn’t you have dinner already?” Says the younger, not with much fight in his voice, and with unexpected gratefulness he takes note of Jihoon’s breakfast consisting of rice and soup. The Americans and their cereal haven’t gotten to him just yet.

They bicker a little more about whether or not Soonyoung should be eating again so late, which is just a pretence ‘cause Jihoon used to be the one always trying to convince Soonyoung to have midnight snacks after work.

It takes another minute or so of prying before Jihoon gives up and they move on to some other things that Soonyoung has been dying to talk about. 

“So if we’re done talking about food and pleasantries… How’s work?”

* * *

Thank you so much for reading this chapter!! I hope you guys like it and if you feel like it please leave a comment, I would love to hear a feed back from you all!   
This was meant to be a much more "ship" long fit, but I'm growing attached to Soonyoung's POV and i feel like rushing it to be a ship fiction might take away from his character so Im focusing on him a lot more but I really should start updating more often if I hope on finishing this by the end of 2021. 

Anyways I feel like the pacing for this is a bit slow but I hope you guys don't find overly slow, it should pick up a little from now on though im trying to shift the pace gradually too not suddenly rush it from one chapter to another.  
Do tell me what you think may happen from now on!! I'm not particularly good with creating drama and all but I hope the emotions and torn feelings make up to it hahahaha

if you want, feel free to come and interact over on twitter [@sun_shinejay](https://twitter.com/sun_shinejay) // [@caratwtjey](https://twitter.com/caratwtjey) CC [@sunshinejade](https://curiouscat.me/sun_shinejade)

BTW GO ON YOUTUBE AND STREAM DINO'S DANCEOLOGY! AND WISH THE BABE A HAPPY HAPPY BIRTHDAY!


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